More Character Defects

My life is all about honesty and so is this blog. There is no reason for me to sugar coat my feelings yesterday. Yesterday was a holiday and the office was closed but this didn’t preclude me from going into the office. Truly I go into the office because I don’t have much else to do and it really is a great place to meditate especially when no one is in the office. This is not where the “full disclosure” comes into place. The “full disclosure” comes in regards to the Monday evening speaker’s meeting yesterday evening. I was a bit hesitant about attending the meeting because I had preconceived notions about the speaker. These thoughts go against every principle in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I was fighting these thoughts.

I have come a long way in my recovery but I still have a ways to go and I doubt I will ever arrive at the “perfect” destination. I will continue to do my best and yesterday my best was filled with convoluted thoughts. I am human and there is no need for me to make excuses since my feelings were my feelings; right, wrong or indifferent. These feelings were certainly wrong and I am learning each and every day.

I didn’t have much going on yesterday and couldn’t find the proper “excuse” to miss the GA meeting so I attended. I am so happy I attended the meeting because my preconceived ideas and notions were so unfounded I am ashamed of myself. The Gamblers Anonymous Program speaks of taking inventory of only ourselves and not of others. This is another one of my character defects because I do take inventory of others and I was doing this yesterday. I must apologize for my inner behavior since I had no right to feel this way. The Speaker’s meeting was very good and it did teach me a valuable lesson which is to stop taking inventory of others.

It seems so easy to take inventory of others and certainly not myself. This is the same very thought that lead me to the path of almost total self-destruction. I am no better then anyone else and I have to stop looking down on people. Everyone has a good natured Spirit within themselves and I need to start focusing on this good natured Spirit. I am very blessed to be part of a fantastic program of recovery and to be surrounded by magnificent people. I have made true friends through Gamblers Anonymous all across this country and I need to do a better job of applying the principles of the program to my daily affairs. I am grateful for this valuable lesson and I am eternally grateful to the GA Program which continues to save my life each and everyday.

The meeting ended and yes, it was another very good Speaker’s meeting with that same basic story; gambling made my life a mess and recovery continues to clean-up this mess. No matter the socio, economic, ethnicity, gender or any other human criteria compulsive gambling shows no favorites and affects everyone. This disease not only affects the compulsive gambler but affects those close to the compulsive gambler. It is a very insidious and baffling disease and make no mistake it is a disease much like cancer. If compulsive gambling is left unaddressed lives are consumed much like the cancer cell takes over the body. These are both gruesome diseases and even though there are no known cures for these diseases at the very least remission/arrest can be attend through therapy. This therapy for me is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I continue to achieve a much better way of life one day at a time.

After the meeting I returned home where the rest of the night was spent troubleshooting a computer with my dear friend. We both know enough about computers to be dangerous but not enough to actually effectuate any significant change. However; this didn’t deter either one of us from giving it the old “college try”. We tried many things and had very limited success. We did give ourselves a scare but the scare was short-lived as we corrected our mistake. All in all we spent a few hours only to still have the problem and we certainly need a real professional to assess the situation.

The tinkering around with the computers was over and it was time for me to retire to bed. I was well rested last night because I was tired at my normal bedtime. I bumped around the channels for a few minutes and then I feel asleep. It wasn’t my best night’s sleep and I have noticed that the days where I am directly involved with my “reminder” I seem to have more difficulty in sleeping. This is another area I need to work on because I have nothing to fret about since I am doing the right things on a daily basis. However; I still get uneasy and I have a feeling this will stay with me even when I am finally released from parole next March. It truly “is what it is” and I need to let go. This is much easier said then done but it is getting better albeit slowly.

I was up early for my normal workout routine and this week is a very easy week as I prepare to run in the marathon on Sunday. My running miles are decreased significantly as the 26.2 mile run fast approaches. Even though the intensity and miles were decreased sufficiently over the past few months I still got in a good workout and managed to someone sweat. This is my gage to a successful workout; “sweat”! The more I sweat the better the workout. My sweat my have been decreased but it was still a great workout through and through.

I made my way to the office where the staff had turned over significantly last week. Since the staff changed over I found myself playing receptionist part of the day. I am fairly certain I screwed up the appointment book but my best intentions were involved. I figured it wasn’t fair for the person who had to take off today to do some personal errands to come back to the office to over 20 voice mail messages. I went through each and everyone and scheduled the appointments. I won’t know my total damage until tomorrow but I can see a ripple effect happening as early as tomorrow. Anyhow I know in the past I wouldn’t have even of thought to offer my services in this area but now thanks to recovery I jumped in with both feet, hopefully I won’t drown!!!!