Saturday, May 31, 2008

The "Hostel"

Friday, May 30, 2008

Running and Dear Friends

Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Meltdowns"


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Michael Burke Compulsive Gambler

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

More Character Defects

Monday, May 26, 2008

“What the bleep do we know?”

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Much Better Venue

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Registered

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Golf Outing


Thursday, May 22, 2008

New Running Shoes


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Awareness is Positive


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Hard" Work


Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh That First Instinct

I have always had this habit of once I get something stuck in my brain I seem to run with it. This maybe hard to believe but I am very impulsive person. I get a snippet of something and all of the sudden I have to have that something. A good example of this was yesterday when events in a span of minutes took me back to something I heard only a few days ago. I have been extremely blessed with incredible friends and of course an incredible family. These friends have given me so much and yesterday afternoon there was a situation that emphasized this incredible giving attitude.

I have been fortunate to have a place to live, a job and an automobile ever since I was released at the end of February. Everything is going all great and yesterday afternoon one of those items was in jeopardy. In a priority list the least important item was in jeopardy yet my dear friends maintained this for a few more weeks. It was inevitable that I would have to purchase an automobile at some point and I am forever grateful for the time I have been given with access to an automobile. (Please bear with me this all coincides, I hope at some point!!)

Another dear friend will be selling their call in the upcoming months and I had heard this a few days ago. The offer was not made to me to purchase the car but I filed that information in my head and as I mentioned early it is a scenario such as this one that stays with me. When I first heard this I thought I maybe able to make that work but didn’t think anything more of it so when the situation arrived yesterday I reverted back to this initial thought. Now with that said I am doing my best to be more fiscally responsible then I have ever been in my life. Yes, my finances are not exactly in the best of order but really considering the situation things could be much worse. However; now more then ever I must be very responsible for any purchasing methods.

I would like to avoid an additional car payment (as we or I should say my wife is paying for her car) but I would also like to avoid any large payouts. I have money that I must pay back to family and friends who lent this to me in a time of great need. I also have restitution obligations I must continue to administer. I did find out something very interesting the other day in regards to this restitution and if things go the way I believe they will go my restitution obligations will be reduced significantly. Anyhow I need to prioritize my expenditures and all of this is foreign to me. I may have had this persona of having it all together at some point in the past but I was a financial wreck.

The irony of it all is that my “stealing” actually made my financial position worse. If I were a true thief or a good thief; (as if there is such a thing!!) I am fairly certain things would be different. However; my compulsive gambling behavior precluded me from thinking rationally and is the direct result of all of these consequences. I am eternally grateful since I am now in recovery and my outlook on just about everything has changed for the positive. These issues are just minor and I firmly believe heck I more then believe I know everything will work out for the best. This does not mean I won’t concern myself with these events; it just means I won’t dwell over these events.

I realize I am going off the beaten path so please forgive me!! Anyhow I need to do a better job of thinking things through and not acting on my first instinct. It was this first instinct which has gotten me into trouble all of these years. I must say that sometimes my first instinct works out as my initial reaction is sometimes on target. It is those times where I continue to revert back to that first instinct and not really listen to any other alternatives. I have found an alternative in recovery and this is so much better than that first reaction which included gambling. I guess I am learning albeit a bit slowly.

The Sunday evening GA meeting was very good and we didn’t have any new members until the meeting was just about over. The old saying goes; “you are only late for your first meeting” and this person was late in both senses. It didn’t matter whether they were late or on time what matters is coming back and participating in the Program. It is an incredible program of recovery and I for one I am very grateful I finally made it to the program no matter how long it took me. I realize some people don’t understand nor enjoy 12 step programs as everyone is different. I believe they are missing something special but I wish them the best as they recover without GA. I know for myself I couldn’t recover without GA which is why I continue to attend meetings.

The evening was complete as I made my way home where I had to do my laundry since it was yet again, Sunday. I was able to process my laundry and also shored up our living arrangements come July. It has all come together in a way I couldn’t have possibly imagined or for that matter planned. I had an idea of what I would have like to have happened but what is actually happening is exceeding my idea. I did employ the Power of Intention and I do believe this helps but when there are incredible people in your life (as there are in mine) things work out much better then expected. The latter part of June is shaping up to be a busy time. I do want everything moved prior to the arrival of my family and I don’t want my wife to participate in the move this time. There will be another time in the near future that we will have to move again so she can wait. I want to have everything arranged prior to my departure to New Jersey and it appears this will happen.

I was very tired last evening from my time on the cycle and was falling asleep while watching the Warren Buffet interview on CNBC. I did find pieces of the interview fascinating and here was one of the world’s richest men displaying an incredible amount of humility. I was very impressed with his demeanor and very engaging personality. He does appear to be a genuine person which is what I am aspiring to be. I am done with the lying, cheating, stealing and being dishonest. I am doing my best to live life with honesty, integrity and a positive sense of being. Life is so much better this way and I am enjoying every moment.

I did adhere to my scheduled day off from exercising and my body was very happy to sleep in. I woke up and even my shins were feeling much better. I bit the bullet and ordered a new pair of running shoes this morning and thankfully I shopped around and saved over 30% from the original price and the place I would normally order from. It does appear I will run in the San Diego Rock n Roll marathon in less then 2 weeks. I think it is wonderful that I can be released from prison and run a marathon all in a span of 3 months, life is great!!!!

I would like to wish a big happy birthday to my nephew who is also our Godson; HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Five More Saturdays

There are only five more Saturdays until I get to be with my family. Yes, I have counted the Saturdays and there is significance to Saturday and my family. My children are at the age where Saturday is the day they take part in whatever activity is happening that particular time of year. Yesterday back in New Jersey they had soccer games and interestingly enough my wife is the coach of my daughter’s soccer team. My wife probably knows less about soccer then I do and I don’t know much about soccer other then the fact that the ball can only be kicked by most players and the goalie is allowed to use their hands. My knowledge base of soccer begins and ends there and I am fairly certain this is also the case for my wife. However; God bless my wife; my daughter’s team needed a coach and my wife volunteered her services.

I have written in the past as to how wonderful my wife is and this is another example of her greatest attribute which is giving. My wife is a “giver” and she certainly has given me a great deal and continues to give to the children. I also must say my wife is a bit more passionate when it comes to the children’s sport activities then me. I remember watching my wife during one of our children’s soccer games and she was very much into the game judging by her body language and facial expression. I can only imagine what is like for her to coach my daughter’s soccer game.

I was given a report on the soccer games and my daughter’s team (the one my wife coach’s) is still winless and my son did score a goal (he seems to score at least one goal each week) had lost their match as well. My daughter is quite the competitor and I’m not sure how she is taking the fact that her team has yet to win a game. There could be some “family” stress happening at least subconsciously as the season progresses. No matter my wife is doing an outstanding job providing normalcy to our children and in five more Saturdays I get to participate in whatever activity transpires on each Saturday thereafter. I certainly can’t wait for the time to elapse and we will be altogether once again.

My Saturday was not nearly as filled as my wife and children’s Saturday. I worked out, went to the GA meeting and talked on the telephone all afternoon long. I figured it was a great day to catch up on my telephone calls. I spoke to a few family members and a few friends. I am blessed to have access to some of the most outstanding people I have ever met. These are always great telephone conversations and my weekly letter from my sponsor has been replaced by this weekly telephone conversation.

This is a much better form of communication and hopefully my sponsor can understand me better then trying to decipher my handwriting in those letters!!! I must say it is so nice to sit at a keyboard and type as opposed to the pen and paper method I utilized for 19 ½ months. I have yet to handwrite a letter or much of anything else; my main method is through the keyboard which is so much better and those of you that have witnessed my handwriting you certainly understand what I am saying!!

I came into the office for a few hours last night to do some of that typing and it is kind of nice coming to the office when no one is there. I have no issue with being alone and during my incarceration it can be a lonely existence; however; I was rarely alone so I have come to appreciate these time when I am alone. I come to appreciate so much more in these past three months. Yes, I am approaching the three month mark since my release and time does move swiftly.

I also tidy up the housing situation yesterday afternoon and there weren’t any glitches in the plan. Everything is all coming together and the key for me is I have not forced anything. In years past I had a tendency to force things to suit my needs and not the needs of others. Through recovery I have come to learn this is one of my character defects and it is so much better letting go while trusting everything will work out for the very best. Everything does work out for the very best and that dark tunnel is now in the past.

We did reconvene the viewing of the “Suze Orman Show” and “Deal or No Deal” yesterday evening but we were minus one of the regular viewers. That was the extent of my Saturday evening until my good friend came home and we had one of our late night discussions. I was up way past my regular bedtime but as the conversation progressed I was not at all tired. This was a great conversation because the two of us are a great deal alike.

We share many of the same traits and when we speak to one another I always feel we are on the same wavelength. The conversation came around to “manipulation” and yes, right, wrong or indifferent I would consider myself someone who is more of a manipulator as opposed to being manipulated. I may have done this purposely in the past for less then honorable results but as I progress in recovery I still see myself manipulating but I think a better word is “facilitating”. In the past I have been blessed with a great career and yes, I threw that all away to gamble like an idiot but there was some good I did and I did work with some very good people. Maybe manipulator is a bit too harsh and I would consider myself now a facilitator or this is just another justification???

This morning was supposed to be my last long prior to the marathon in two weeks; however; my shins were very tight this morning as I got out of bed. I made my way to the gym pondering what I should do and when I arrived I made a decision to do the hardest workout I have ever performed on the exercise cycle. I have always thought the exercise cycle provides a much better aerobic workout then running and there is less (virtually none) wear and tear on my legs. I got on the cycle and peddled for over 2 ½ hours.

I learned my lesson from last week so I placed paper towels all along the exercise cycle so I wouldn’t formulate a lake. This worked very well and I had an outstanding workout. I was beat beyond anything I have done to this point. I wanted to make 3 hours but my mind along with my body just shut down. I trained extremely hard this morning and I felt like I had run a marathon. That is correct I peddled so hard my legs were still shaking an hour after the workout and I was a mess when I completed the workout. I went through two tee shirts during the session and even my running shoes were soaked when I was done.

I don’t know where I stand in terms of running fitness because there won’t be any more long runs prior to the marathon. I was contemplating whether or not I should run in the marathon due to the cost. I still haven’t registered for the marathon and there was a point this morning that I was willing to forego the marathon and run in a half marathon in August. I do enjoy the half marathons much better the then marathons because 13.1 miles is a perfect distance. The wear and tear on my body is minimized as opposed to the 26.2 mile runs and at least my family will be able to attend that run. I am still in between whether or not I will register for the marathon because I do need a new pair of running shoes and I need to practice fiscal responsibility.

I haven’t been the best at practicing fiscal responsibility in my lifetime which is another character defects. I have to think things through now and with the upcoming “vacation across America” I need funds for this trip. Between the running shoes and the cost of the marathon registration we can drive from Washington D.C. to Chicago so do I really need to run in the marathon? I need to answer this question and I need to answer it in the next few days. I will think about and will render my decision accordingly.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

All Processing Nicely

I was awake very early this morning because my brain was up before the rest of my body joined in!! My brain was “percolating” at a conversation I had last night with my very good friends. I continued to be amazed as to how intelligent people are. I was thinking about a situation and sought advice from my friends. I not only got great advice I received something I hadn’t even though about. All of this has to do with our (my family and me) family’s upcoming living arrangement in July. I thought I had things all sorted out but there was something on my mind which is when I sought the advice. It only took a few minutes for my friend to come up with an excellent solution. I have and continue to trust and believe things will work out for the very best and they certainly continue on this path.

In the theme of everything working out this is what all came together last night in a matter of minutes. The idea was presented which was so very simple but it took my friend’s vast superior intellect (I mean this seriously) to come out with this very simple solution. Instead of moving into the house I thought we would be moving into we will be moving into a different house. This different house suits our needs much better then the other house since it is much bigger and has more bedrooms. I know my wife was concerned with when our families would visit us and where they would stay. This potential issue was resolved very quickly.

We not only get to move into a larger home we still have the potential of being homeowners or I should be more specific my wife has the potential to be a homeowner much sooner then anticipated. I lost my right to be a homeowner when I did the things I did to fortify my compulsive gambling addiction. It is just as well I lost this right because my wife more then deserves to be a homeowner much sooner then expected after all that I have put her through.

Yes, all of this came together very nicely last night and I lay in bed pontificating the pros and cons. There are some downsides to this solution but the upsides far outweigh the downsides and I am eternally grateful to all the magnificent people in my life. Make no mistake what I did (steal for my compulsive gambling addiction) was so wrong in so many different ways; however; there are currently some amazing people in my life providing me with some amazing opportunities. This all stems from the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I walked into that room over three years seeking help for my compulsive gambling addiction. I continue to get help for this addiction and I have gained so much more. I have gained friends who are true friends in every sense of the word. These friends have become guardian angels and they are angels to me. I am beyond fortunate to have these people in my life and it is all thanks to recovery.

I was up early because it was my turn to bring the “goodies” to the Saturday morning GA meeting. I wanted to ensure I left myself enough time to purchase the “goodies” (bagels with cream cheese as I opposed to purchasing donuts!) after my workout and before the meeting so I was up and out early this morning. I made my way to the gym where I had a great workout. I needed to take the day off from running yesterday and do the exercise cycle. In fact I split that workout up on the exercise cycle between yesterday and today. Normally I (to use a “prison” term) “break myself off” (a.k.a. hard workout) when I ride the exercise cycle but I took it easy (at least for me) on the cycle doing only one part of the workout yesterday and the other part today.

Oh yes, exercise is largely mental and my attitude was poor yesterday which led to a less then stellar workout on the exercise cycle. For whatever reason my attitude was great this morning which led to a great workout this morning. Attitude is indeed everything and I do my best to employ a positive attitude day to day but some days the attitude is much better then other days which was the case this morning. I got done with the great workout and it was off to the bagel shop prior to the meeting. I purchased the bagels and arrived at the meeting a few minutes ahead of schedule. I was the first one to arrive at the meeting room so I had my bagel while waiting for others to arrive. The other members did arrive and there were also some newer members in attendance.

I do enjoy when new members come for their first meeting and today the new member had a very compelling story. As this member told their story I couldn’t help but to think about my previous career path. I worked in the Gaming Industry for over 12 years and even though I didn’t have direct day to day contact with customers I was still part of the Casino business. Hearing the story this morning by this new member almost made me feel embarrassed for working in this industry. Here was a person who never gambled for a good majority of their life and then they decide to take a trip to the local casino. (There are several of these “local” casinos in this area of Southern California and I worked for the largest one in this area.) This first trip seemed fun but for the compulsive gambler the fun turned into just problems.

In years past and in my case it took me almost all of my adult life of gambling to cause major destruction and damage. This new member did all of their destruction and damage in less then one year. It wasn’t a lifetime of gambling it was only a short period of time. I thought more about this and I can see many people ruining their lives because of the ease of getting to the casinos (many are in residential neighborhoods) and the ease of obtaining credit. There never seems to be a shortage of credit cards, cash advances, payday loans and many other credit instruments. Heck if you are a good enough customer the casinos will cash your personal checks and may even hold them a few days while you “supposedly” make good on the checks.

I can see a compulsive gambler who may have not known they were a compulsive gambler turn their lives inside out after only a few days of gambling. It really is too easy to gamble now more then ever. I read a statistic that stated 90% of the U.S. population is within a two hour drive of a casino. This is mind boggling because up until 1977 the only place to legally place a bet in a casino was in Nevada now these casinos are everywhere. I am certainly not against casinos because they are now part of the United States landscape and are here to stay. This is a huge business and more people spend money in casinos then any other form of “entertainment”. The statistics bear out that between 4 and 5 percent of the people who frequent gambling establishments are compulsive gamblers and the fact that almost 90% of the population of the United States of America entered a casino within the last few years makes this 4 to 5 percent a large number.

I was reading an article about a fellow compulsive gambler who has certainly turned his life around. He was in Las Vegas speaking to various agencies about the pitfalls of compulsive gambling. You can find the entire article here. I found this fascinating and was wondering how this man went from prisoner to owner of a compulsive gambler rehabilitation facility in less then five years. I do believe the answer to that question is simple; RECOVERY. His is a success story and it is something I am doing my best to emulate. My goal is to also speak with federal, state, local, universities, colleges, high schools, middle schools and whomever else that wants to here the perils of compulsive gambling.

As I mentioned I worked in that industry for a number of years and made a very good living but working in that industry didn’t preclude me from becoming a compulsive gambler. I have often thought that it propagated my compulsive gambling addiction as I fought it with years of denial. Anyhow I fully understand that the vast majority of the population can gamble within a budget (I don’t like the word “normal”) and does treat like entertainment. I am not one of those people and my idea of gambling is insane to the regular people who gamble.

I cannot and will not gamble which is a large part of my recovery. I do believe that if the states sanction this type of activity there should be some funds set aside to assist the people who need it. Unfortunately this type of assistance is slow in coming. There are several items that may get passed but compulsive gambling is so far behind alcohol and drug treatment. I do believe this problem is only going to get worse and there will be more of my stories in the coming years.