Not So Good Telephone Conversation

December 16

I called my wife yesterday afternoon and it wasn’t such a good conversation. She informed me she was laid off from her job this past week. Getting laid off from any job is always unsettling. Couple in the fact my wife really enjoyed her job and this being the holiday season along with the fact that my wife really needs the money makes the timing of this all the more terrible. She was rather upset at the layoff and she had good reason. She worked with another person and her employer could only afford one salary. My wife’s employer decided to let my wife go in spite of the fact that she was hired prior to the other person and my wife performed her duties very well. She confronted her employer and was told that the reason why she was let go was due to the fact that she would be moving very soon. This was news to my wife as she never mentioned moving to her employer and told him that he was misinformed. However, this didn’t change the fact of the lay off, but in my opinion my wife did the right thing by going back and confronting her employer.

As my wife was telling me this, I wasn’t exactly compassionate or empathetic. She was riled up while recounting the week’s bad news and I applied practical thinking instead of being compassionate. As the unsympathetic words came out of my mouth I realized I wasn’t saying the right things but continued down my analytical path. I was wrong using this tactic; however, I didn’t have a chance to apologize as we were disconnected after I spoke with the children. Afterward I replayed the conversation and realized why I wasn’t compassionate. As my wife recounted the story, I was reading way too much into what she was saying. My mind jumped into the fact that she was setting down roots in NJ and won’t be joining me when the children finish school in June. My wife does have a decision to make as to whether or not to rejoin me in six months. I got the impression she wanted to remain in NJ. Once again my thought process was wrong and I talk a lot about letting go but I have much more work to do in this area. I have no control over what will happen in the future and if my wife chooses to stay in NJ while I serve my parole in California then so be it. Quite frankly being separated from my family any longer frightens me immensely. I want to be with then on a full time basis as soon as possible and the only way for this to happen is to have my wife decide to come back out here next June. I have to stop obsessing over this because I am driving myself crazy. There is a plan in place and that Plan has worked out for the very best so far. I do believe it will continue to and if I am separated from them for another 13 months while I serve parole this is the way it will be.

My reactions to my wife were not good. I tried to telephone her back but I couldn’t reach her. I don’t want to burden her with another collect call so I wrote her a letter of apology. I love her so much and I need to be there for her as she has been there for me during this journey. I need to be more in tune with my wife’s needs. Yesterday she didn’t need analytical advice, she needed a sympathetic ear. I failed on this count because I am afraid of losing her. It is interesting how that fear can manifest itself into dispassion. Fear is a character defect and by truly letting go the fear will vanish and with it the compassion will return. At the very minimum, I realized what I was doing which is a small step in the right direction and now I have to stop being selfish. I wronged my wife and children by upsetting their lives. This part of the journey is coming to an end,; however, a new part will start in 2 ½ months. I do know my life continues to get better all thanks to recovery. I have so much to learn and I look forward to learning one small step at a time.