Thought Provoking

December 21

I read two pieces of information yesterday which were very thought provoking to me. The first was a letter from my dear sponsor and the dialogue was regarding ego and how it is a detriment and a character flaw. As I read this letter, I thought to myself how my ego side tracked me. I have never been overtly egotistical. In fact, I have done my best all my life to be soft-spoken and just a nice person. My parents instilled in me to treat people how I would like and expect to be treated. With these things instilled then how did I end up in prison? The simple answer is my compulsive gambling addiction. I let this take hold of my life and it was as if I were a passenger on a train. The train would be my mind which just took off and I was incapable of stopping it. Thankfully, the train got derailed and I have found an incredible system of recovery through GA.

The more complex answer is derived from the “why”. Why did my compulsive gambling addiction take hold of my life and where did this come from? This ties into the second piece which was an article in Men’s Health about male depression. I found this article fascinating because it linked exercise obsession to depression in men. I have never considered myself as a depressed person even at the early stages of this journey. However, I can see some similarities in myself to those who masked their depression with excessive exercise. I do know that my obsessive exercising during this dark period did mask/medicate what was going on. I never faced up to the fact that I was and still am a compulsive gambler. I justified all my actions which was my ego talking. Heck, I was a nice guy so I could continue to lie, cheat, and steal. I may not have been overtly egotistical, but I had a big ego in a very quiet manner.

I found one statistic in the article startling. Each year in the US some 31,000 people commit suicide and 24,000 of them are men. This appears to be a staggering statistic and as the article mentions depression is usually linked to females. Yet looking at this huge percentage, I would surmise many of these suicides were linked to depression. The key, according to the article, is addressing the issue. Denial is very powerful and I can say this from firsthand experience. I denied for so many years and it lead me here. However, gratefully I am finally in a great place – mentally, physically. And spiritually – all thanks to recovery.

I need to always be mindful of where I have come from and to never outsmart myself. My compulsive gambling addiction was left to fester and fester it did. I denied and I am here. Now through recovery, I fully admit I am a compulsive gambler, but happily I am in recovery. I may have had a slight depression issue along with the compulsive gambling addiction which was a terrible combination. I am extremely happy and now that train is headed toward a bright shining light – thank God.