"Gesticulate"

Over the past few weeks I have been made aware of certain things I do such as when I get excited, my voice goes up a few octaves. This reminded me of the first time someone said this to me. I had just gotten out of college and was working for an accounting firm in NYC. A group of us had been working together for a few months and one evening we went out to dinner. Afterward we were walking past the empire State Building. Incidentally, all the times I have been to the Empire State Building, I have never gone in. I did work in the World Trade Center and admired the view from the 110th floor and the restaurant on top of the Center. Anyway, the eight of us were engaged in conversation and I guess I got excited and my voice raised those few octaves when one of my colleagues very nicely said to me, “Do you realize your voice has a high pitch to it when you get excited?” Up until that point I had never known this. Now almost 20 years later I had the very same thing said to me. It appears some habits are very difficult to kick!

Also, I was told that I am very animated with my hands when I speak and also when I am pondering a question. I have always been aware of this habit and I would like to call it “gesticulating.” I do have a habit of not only using my hands when I speak, but also using my hands to think. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It is actually quite comical when someone imitates my hand gestures as my roommate has done over these past few days. Of course, he is exaggerating (or at least I hope he is) and I did laugh several times he has done it. One of the things I can say about myself is that I have always been able to laugh at myself. This goes all the way back to my elementary school days when my nickname was “Goofy.” I acquired this nickname because at the age of 11 I was 5’9” and oddly enough in thirty plus years I have only grown one inch! My hands and feet are the same size back then as they are now. Couple this with the fact that I was gesticulating with those hands then and I was a bit awkward in my motions I earned the nickname “Goofy.” As strange as it may seem, I didn’t mind this nickname. I think it only lasted for 2 years since everyone caught up to and passed me in height. I figured back then as it is now if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t laugh at anything. It seems lately I have been doing more and more of laughing at myself then I have in a long time.

My roommate has very kindly labeled me a “freak.” This is mostly due to my freaky eating and exercise habits along with those strange hand gestures. I do laugh every time he says, “Freak” because when I think about it, I am one. I don’t prescribe to the “normal” eating or exercising habits so it is a bit freaky. I like to think of this as being “unique.” Yes, I am a strange fellow in certainly a strange predicament, but it all continues to workout for the very best. I laugh more now than I have in a very long time and I am finally at peace with myself. I’m not sure how to put this, but for so many years I never knew who I really was. I remember when I was in my early teenage years looking in the mirror and saying, “Who are you?” I filed this away for a very long time, but I believe the compulsive gambling prevented me from truly looking at who I really am. Now thankfully, the addiction has been set aside and I really like the person I have become. I did do bad things to earn my place to where I sit right now; however, I am not a bad person nor is anyone else. I have always exhibited kindness, goodness, generosity, sincerity, loyalty, and other positive qualities. This represents the true me, not the thief as the Judge powerfully said at my sentencing hearing. Without a doubt, I messed up; however, I have a long way to go in my lifetime (God willing) and with being in recovery I finally have a happy and healthy outlook. Now I know exactly how I am and this person has always been there. I am so grateful for recovery because having peace of mind is wonderful!

Here I sit having 3 ½ months remaining on my sentence. Yes, the time continues to tick on by. My wife will be here in a little over two weeks and I cannot wait. Thanksgiving is next week and quite frankly I could bypass the holidays altogether this year. I was apart from my family last holiday season and it wasn’t very much fun. I am certainly in a much better place and thanks to my dear friends; I continue to receive visits which helps me tremendously. I would like to hit the fast forward button so I could land on February 27th tomorrow morning. Of course, this is not possible and I will be doing my best to enjoy the days I have remaining. This time away continues to help me and so will the next 3 ½ months. My perspective on life has changed over the last 16 months and what matters most to me is my family. This has always been the case with me but I never admitted it. I hid behind an addiction which hindered my growth as a husband, father, and a person. Now that the addiction has been rendered dormant, the growth has been incredible. I most definitely love my life and can’t wait to share it with my family in
3 ½ months!