Moment by Moment

I was talking to my roommate about a myriad of topics. One of these topics was something I brought up from a letter I received from my mother a few weeks ago. She is incredible and has always been incredible all throughout my 42 years of existence. In this particular letter she asked me if I may need some type of counseling when I get out. This was truly a good question and I talked to my roommate about this subject. I can see why my mother asked and I can definitely see the need. In my current situation, I have been somewhat isolated and very much insulated from the “real world”. Thankfully, I have been receiving counseling/therapy ever since day one of this journey which has come from my recovery and more specifically Gamblers Anonymous. I have detailed my daily therapeutic ritual which consists of exercising and writing. In the early part of this journey, my exercising was limited but my writing was not. This is probably why those entries from early on are much longer and fraught with details than they are currently. Now I have much more therapy in my life with all the wonderful visits I receive. In those visits, the GA meetings are vital to my recovery. I really could go on and on about all the wonderful aspects in my life which have brought back my sanity and everyone of these starts and ends with recovery. Without recovery, I am a mess and with recovery my life continues to get better and better as each day goes by.

None of these therapies will go away when I am released on February 27, 2008. In fact these therapies will be enhanced because I will be able to get to a GA meeting on a consistent basis. I’m not sure if I will need a formalized counseling session, but it certainly is not a bad idea. I can see when I am reunited with my family that we see a professional counselor as a family visit. The facts will be that I have been removed from my family and society so much that currently I believe as long as I keep doing what I have been doing for the past two years and eight months, everything will continue to be better and better.

At this point, I would like to focus on today’s verse from Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title of the verse is “Living Without Difficulties”. The essence of this theme is the essence of the Gamblers Anonymous Program; “living one day at a time.” I found the correlations in the verse and the GA Program astounding. In the verse, Dr. Dyer writes about living in the present moment and it takes living one day at a time to another level which is living “Moment by moment.” Dr. Dyer stated, “There’s no such thing as difficulty when you live in the present moment, doing only what you can right now.” This is truly an amazing concept and one I have employed throughout my entire journey. Back when my journey started some 16 months ago, I said to myself, “You will get through this one step at a time.” It has been a series of steps from the beginning as I moved from the county jail to the reception center then to Jamestown and finally here. The next step in the process takes place on February 27th when I am released and move to Las Vegas where I will work for the Las Vegas Recovery Center.

The key in all of this for me was to take each step as it comes. I do realize I created difficulties on myself as these steps weren’t happening fast enough. However, now that I look back on it the steps happened exactly as they were supposed to. I am in a good place both physically and mentally. I am surrounded by very good people both inside and outside. I am blessed in innumerable ways. Everything continues to workout for the very best because I take life one moment at a time. Dr. Dyer gives an example of how a person gets through the long difficult process of giving birth to a child. The only way this can be accomplished is moment by moment. A Lao-tzu (the writer of the Tao) teaches, if you don’t attempt anything big, you will achieve greatness. Four days a week I run between 12 to 16 miles. I have always viewed this as taking one lap at a time and when I am finished I will have run between 12 to 16 miles and this two session goes by very quickly. In the passage today, Dr. Dyer cites his own exercise regimen as an example. Each morning he does an hour and a half of “hot yoga” meaning temperatures exceed 105 degrees. He takes the “moment by moment” approach and before he knows it the 90 minute session is completed. Another key is to eliminate any difficulty. “Look for the simplicity in what you call complicated by seeing that in this moment, it is not hard.” “Thinking small and getting big things done.”

In each verse, Dr. Dyer has a “Do the Tao Now” section which is an exercise. Today one of the suggestions was to “write the opening paragraph of your novel.” Here it goes:

It is a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday. I just dropped off my 4 year old son at daycare and I am driving to work. This is not quite accurate because it is not like any other Wednesday. My brain is processing a billion scenarios and my legs can’t stop shaking. I drive down the freeway, but although I am physically present in my car, my mind is far-far away. Is the end here? Surely, it can’t be and there must be someway out? I have always gotten myself out of sticky situations in the past – so why not now? Should I tell the truth or stick to my lies? Have I exhausted all of my options or are there more? So many questions and I have little time for answers.
I pulled up to my parking spot when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the Assistant Director of Security standing on the sidewalk. Is this unusual? I don’t think so. I get out of my car and start to walk into work when the Assistant Director approached me and apologetically says, “ I’m sorry, Paul, but I have to escort you to the Gaming Commission’s Office.” I know it is over. We walked and I thought to myself, “How did I get here?”

Alright that might be more than the first paragraph and it does need work. Also, I keep vacillating on where to start the novel between what I just wrote and the day I was sentenced. I may write an opening paragraph for the other option. At the very least this is a start and I can write “moment by moment” and ultimately it will be completed. It dos feel good starting it and I wholeheartedly agree living without difficult is the only way to go.