Urges?

Finally, something that wasn’t routine! It seems every evening I venture to the dining hall for dinner; however, last night I did not venture to the dining room for dinner. I ate in the friendly confines of my room with my roommate who secured some leftovers. After eating, I perused the Las Vegas Review Journal which is the Las Vegas newspaper. I had asked my mother if she could purchase a subscription for me, and even though the price is very high due to shipping costs, she purchased a four-week subscription of the Sunday newspaper. I was more interested in the prices to rent a house than anything. When I move to Las Vegas upon my release date, I will be living with two very dear friends; however, come next June when my wife and children come out, we will need a place to live. This is why I was trying to get an idea of the housing costs. Well, the prices are all over the place for similar houses in similar neighborhoods. I saw prices for 2500 square-foot houses in generally the same area range from a low of $1600 a month to a high of $3000 a month. I thought this to be some range! I do have a while before I enter the housing market ad who knows what the prices will be like next June. I did see many of the homebuilders’ advertisements where they were dropping prices significantly and offering many incentives. The hope prices are still much more expensive that when we bought our first house 10 years ago. The prices have doubled and then some. These prices are closely related to the prices of homes in southern California. To me, this doesn’t make sense because Las Vegas doesn’t appear to have the population to sustain these types of prices. Apparently, this is true because the boom has gone bust quite rapidly. I know we will be back in our own house very soon, and if the real estate market in Las Vegas continues its downward trend, this will happen sooner as opposed to later.

I finished with the paper and read a few chapters of “Tell No One.” It appears my normal bedtime of 10:00 p.m. is a thing of the past because now I can barely make it to 9:00 p.m. My roommate fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. At this rate, we will be going to sleep right after dinner in a few months! I don’t mind this at all because I have been getting up earlier, and I do prefer the early mornings as opposed to the evenings. This morning I was up early and headed to the weight area. My roommate joined me after about 30 minutes, and he was my personal trainer. Then it was off to the pancake breakfast and then to the cleaning of the bathrooms. In the afternoon, I hiked the hill for 1-1/2 hours as the weather was so beautiful with bright sunny skies and temperatures in the high 70’s.

Last night, I received two letters from my mother and in one was something that exemplified her thoughtfulness. In the other was a very nice letter and something regarding this blog. Apparently, my mom asked for constructive criticism about the blog, and she received limited responses. There were two responses that my mother included. One was from my very dear friend in the great white north who wrote a very eloquent response, and I am grateful for that response and friendship. The other response was from my sister who asked a very good question, “I am interested in hearing about when he does have the urge to gamble, what is he feeling.” Yes, this is a very good question, and in two years, eight months, and eight days I have yet to experience an urge. I doubt if this is typical of a recovering compulsive gambler, but my situation has been anything but typical since entering recovery. My life was turned upside down, and I had (and still have) so many things going on that I didn’t have an urge to gamble. This doesn’t mean I will never get an urge to gamble. I do believe my biggest test will come when life starts to even out, better known as getting back to normal. This is when the urges may come, and I must be mindful of what I had gone through to get where I will be. I must continue to “play the tape all the way through.” I know one small insignificant bet will lead to my ultimate demise. I do remind myself of this daily, which could be one of the reasons why I have not had an urge. Also, I must retain honesty in my life because the dishonesty and gambling go hand in hand. I am happily in recovery, and this is my new way of life. I can liken this to when a person goes on a diet and loses a lot of weight and then goes off the diet and gains some of the weight back. My diet (recovery) is a lifelong process performed one day at a time. As long as I abstain from gambling and live an honest positive life, everything will continue to get better. One last analogy; I believe my compulsive gambling addiction was exorcised from me when all of this came crashing down on me and I entered the Gamblers Anonymous program. This has changed and continues to change my life for the better.

The more I think about this the more I am a bit perplexed as to why I have not had an urge. I do remember many people asking me when they found out that I don’t eat meat, “Don’t you get an urge for a steak?” The answer to that question is the same as to the question about urges to gamble, “No, never.” I haven’t had a piece of red meat in over 17 years, and I have no desire. I have been asked if I ever get urges to eat a piece of chocolate. The answer is the same, “No never.” I’m not sure if there is a correlation to any of this so I go back to the fact that I believe this is atypical of a compulsive gambler. This does not mean I am not a compulsive gambler or any less than other compulsive gamblers. I AM a compulsive gambler, and thankfully, I am recovering each and every day. In summary, I really can’t answer my sister’s question, but I will remain mindful of it if and when these urges arrive.