Constantly Looking Over my Shoulder

Something has gotten into me as I speak with my wife on the telephone. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have an idea where it stems from. Last night was another example of being just not very nice while speaking with her. I had called her so she could relay a message to my good friend who intended to visit me this weekend. I just wanted to make him aware that my mother and friends would be visiting this weekend as well. Of course, my good friend could come, but if he didn’t want to I would understand. After we got this out of the way, my wife told me about her day which wasn’t so good. It seemed everything she did was wrong and I could feel the exacerbation in her voice. She then proceeded to tell me she went to look at a place where she was thinking about having our daughter’s communion party. When my wife first mentioned this - my radar went up because earlier in the week my wife was lamenting the fact that she needed money quickly because the bills were piling up and with no permanent job her financial situation was quite precarious. Then she told me the cost of the party and I made a very direct matter of fact comment that didn’t sit too well. There is no need to get into the particulars, but I will say I was shocked to hear my wife considering this expensive event. Of course, in a previous life not too long away, cost was not necessarily spoken about. However, now this has become a large factor because of lack of funds.

As I was making my comments, I was sort of looking over my own shoulder. I often wonder if my previous actions give everyone a free pass. Let me try to explain – what right do I have to question cost because it was me who caused all these problems. My wife has never said anything remotely close to this to me. This is just me constantly looking over my shoulder. I do my best to move past this and become a regular person, but sometimes I get myself caught up. My wife is struggling financially because of what I did. I know better to place blame on anyone especially myself. In the great words of that grand philosopher, “It is what it is.” Unfortunately, the reality for my wife and me is to mind our financial P’s and Q’s. It is difficult for me to say the things I said last night but this is the reality. We truly cannot afford a lavish or even a semi-lavish communion party. However, I sensed a large portion of my wife who really wants this.

As “they” say – “There lies the rub” as we have two opposing views. Neither one of us became argumentative because we are two passive people. My wife is more so than me but believe me I am very passive and in years gone by my “tactic” has been to be passive aggressive. I could sense my wife withdrawing and getting tense. As of late she has been very tense and more negative than I have ever heard in the past. She hasn’t been negative towards me in any way, shape, or form – just to life in general. There have been very uncharacteristic comments as my wife is usually positive. Obviously, the financial burden is bothering her tremendously and no one can blame her for that. Hopefully, when I am released some of these burdens will alleviate and my wife can get back to her old self. I have said this many times before and I will keep saying it, “Everything will work out for the very best as it does everyday.”

We received the “60 seconds remaining on your call” warning and we began to wrap things up. I offered up my usual “I love you” and “I miss you” as did my wife, but there was a certain tension in her voice. The call ended and as I walked back to my room, I replayed the entire conversation. I did tell my roommate about the conversation and we talked for awhile. He is a good listener, but I think I was in search of a more neutral party. I wasn’t looking for validation of my comments or the situation. I guess I was looking for how to move forward from here. I do trust and believe all things happen for a reason but hearing the unevenness of my wife’s voice makes me feel very bad. The financial realities ahead of us are challenging and I am more than ready for the challenge. I look forward to the free world and cherishing every moment of everyday. Life no matter what – does move forward and I believe in my Higher Power to lead the way.

Of course I was wide awake at 3:00 am replaying the entire conversation with y wife in my head. I wasn’t second guessing myself as I was searching for solutions. It appears my wife’s mindset and mine are different when it comes to material items. I no longer care about the nice house, nice car or the corner office. I care about being with my wife and children. I also no longer need to keep up with the Joneses with the lavish parties and latest electronic equipment. Yes, this is very easy for me to say sitting at fire camp insulated and isolated from the “real world.” My intention is to carry these thoughts as I enter the material world. Please don’t misunderstand – I am not about to disavow all worldly pleasures and join a monastery. I am trying to strike a balance. I realize many fo the material items are just temporary and only bring temporary happiness. Is my daughter going to need lifelong therapy if she doesn’t have a large communion party? By the same token will my daughter require lifelong therapy if she does have the large communion party? I can’t answer either question, I can only do what is best for my family and in my opinion, spending more money than needs to be spent is not the wisest decision. I’m not about to force or coerce my wife into something she doesn’t want to do. I do want this to be a joint decision or did I lose all my decision making ability when my current odyssey started almost 3 years ago? Again, I hope this is not the case because then it becomes unfair to everyone.

I remained awake until it was time to go and exercise outside. I just couldn’t turn off my brain. I did compose a letter to my wife and my words are much better than when I speak to her. I find writing things down (especially like these) is much easier than the spoken word. I think it might be beneficial to both of us if I communicated via letters for the next 39 days! This way I won’t have to write apology letters. Of course, I am being facetious and do love the sound of my wife’s voice and of course the voices of my children.

I suspect there are more of these bumps ahead and we will get through this together. At least come the end of next month, we will be able to communicate much more often than the previous 19 ½ months. Everything seems to be a work in progress, but I prefer to call it beauty in training because our life together will be more beautiful than it has ever been.