So Long January!

First off – Happy Birthday to my mother-in-law in NJ. (Did I need to specify NJ? It’s not as if I have more than one mother-in-law! If I did then I would be in even bigger trouble.) The family celebrated her birthday this past weekend at my brother-in-law’s house. I hope my mother-in-law had a wonderful day and thank you so much for all that she has done for our family.

Secondly, I am very glad to say so long to January! Here it is finally the last day of January and I am happy to turn the page on the calendar for a variety of reasons. First and foremost my release date is one day closer which is very prevalent in my mind. I might be a little too fixated on February 27th and yes, it is approaching but I need not get ahead of myself. I am still counting down the days and once the calendar officially reads “February”, my anticipation level will most likely rise. It is a one-day at a time process and I need to remind myself of this. The days will pass and the end of this part of the journey will be here as will the beginning of the next journey.

Life is certainly a journey and thankfully I continue to learn how to embrace this journey. I am embracing it and will fall head over heels as the next part of the journey transpires. It is less than 4 weeks which is such a wonderful thought. Speaking of wonderful thoughts earlier this week I received a letter from my very dear friend who is also my GA sponsor. In his letter he asks when is the last date that he should send me a letter. This is a wonderful thought because this means I will no longer reside at this address, as I would have moved on. I liked this prospect and told him the date of February 16th as the last date to send me a letter. A thought just popped into my head in regard to how the world in here moves at a slower pace than out there. This thought lends itself to my major form of communication which is sending and receiving letters through the regular mail delivery system. The outside world has become “instant” when it comes to communications in so many different forms of media. These forms are cell phones, text messaging, email and all other forms of media that I have forgotten. In my current world I can make a collect telephone call which costs over a dollar a minute or write letters. I do have my weekly telephone calls but for the most part I write letters. This cycle of sending and delivering can take from 10 days to over a month depending on the responses. My point being even outside communications are slowed down to a half. Once again I need to keep all of this in mind as I remember the world of “instants.” I am sure getting caught up but living slowly is much better than racing through life. I have enjoyed this journey and now I will enjoy every moment of the free world. This is a new perspective for me and I am grateful.

The usualness continues for me as the das pass. Yesterday evening was another dose of beans and salad for dinner. I continue to be bewildered at some of my fellow inmates who seem to complain about the food. I have no right to complain about the food because it is my choice to continue the restrictive diet. I am grateful for whatever food I receive and yes; it has worked out for the very best. Yet there are others who seem never to be satisfied. The bottom line is this – it is still prison no matter how it is dressed up. This is called a “camp” but make no mistake no one is here on a weekend pass. We have all either committed crimes or have been found guilty by the courts so we have been separated from the “free society”. I am fortunate to be here at this camp because it is the best place to serve time in the CDC, I am not subjected to the gun towers, razor wires, block walls, locks, and all other assorted things that go with the real prisons. I am in a serene setting, but I must remain here until February 27th.

I was speaking with someone over the weekend and I was telling that person the biggest punishment for me has been the separation from my family. It is sometimes heart breaking to see the little children of fellow inmates who come to visit. There was an example of this over the weekend as two very young children (much younger than my own children) were visiting with their very young father. This is so difficult to reconcile but my focus is on the present. Through recovery, the present is wonderful and my life continues to get better with each day passing.

I will miss the companionship of my roommate and working out with him as I move to the next part of my journey. I am blessed and if I could have scripted this, I could not have come up with a better script!

Three More Wednesdays!

I’m sure I am repeating myself but boy do these days blend into one another! Here it is Wednesday, officially the hump day of the work week, and as today finishes, I have only three more full Wednesdays to go! On the fourth Wednesday from today, this journey will come to an end, and another journey will commence. I have a feeling I will sit down next Wednesday and write I have only two more Wednesdays to go. It is obvious I am anxious for this journey to end and the next one to start; however, I must remain patient living one day at a time. The days also blend together, but they do pass by quickly. It is truly amazing as to how time does move quickly even when there isn’t much to do. In here, time passes swiftly, and out there, time most likely rockets by. I need to be cognizant of this as I re-enter the real world. I know no matter what time will pass, and it is what I do with this time that matters most. Thankfully, because I am starting a job right away thanks to a dear friend and the GA program, I can start planning.

My plan includes working and, as always, recovery. I do unfortunately have many financial needs to address. I will address these as I do with my recovery which is one day at a time. It did take me some time to amass this problem, and it will take some time to rectify it. I will most likely need to pick up a second job, and I do have several months before (hopefully?) my family returns in June. I find it more exciting than daunting, and it is a new world to me. There are challenges that lie ahead, and I welcome each of them. Yes, the grass will seem greener, the sky bluer, and everything else in between will be extraordinary.

Last night, I was interested in the Florida primaries. I had forgotten that the Democratic National Party stripped Florida of all its delegates because it moved up its primary without the consent of the DNC. The primary was held with the winner only garnering bragging rights. The winner was Hillary Clinton in a resounding victory over Barack Obama. I don’t know if any of these candidates even advertised in the state as nothing was really at stake. I did find the victory margin shocking considering how close these two are. I guess all eyes are on next Tuesday, February 5th, for the 22 state primaries. The outcome of those states should shape the candidates for our next president. As for the Republicans, John McCain continues to astound and confound me! I had written him off before the primaries/caucuses had even started. I thought his window closed in 2000, but it just shows what little I know about politics. I thought Mr. McCain had no chance, and the way things are panning out, he could very well receive the Republican nomination. I sort of analogize this to the “none of the above” candidate because the folks running for President on the Republican side are less than stellar. I wrote to my father a few weeks ago, and in that letter, I wrote about the Republican candidates. I listed what I thought were all of the candidates detailing their flaws (in my opinion), and I completely missed John McCain because he didn’t even occur to me as a viable candidate. Well, the joke is on me as he appears to be the front runner and could very well be the next President of the United States. I do find this amazing. I have to say that John McCain does not have a commanding speech presence. I heard his Florida victory speech and anything but impressed. This really doesn’t mean much because our current President is not exactly a great speaker. It would be interesting to see John McCain debate Barack Obama – talk about two dramatically opposed speakers. If I were an advisor to Mr. McCain, I would advise limiting those debates to only one because their speaking differences are glaring. Oh well, the races are shaping up as John Edwards appears to be dropping out of the Democratic race and John McCain takes the lead for the Republicans. It should be very interesting to see what happens next week.

My sleep was identical to the night before as it was up and down several times. I attributed this to my lack of aerobic exercise, which is why today I hiked the hill for almost an hour. I needed a good sweat, and this is exactly what I got. I was going to go for more but refrained, and I will see what tonight brings. Yes, the rest of my day was very much the same old same old, but I happily checked today off the calendar as I get one day closer!

Reading Section Of My Therapy

I have lost track on how many books I have read during my incarceration. I remember early on I had read something like 30 books in a little over a month. If I maintained that pace, I would have read close to 300 books. Thankfully, as I moved through this journey, I started to do more things than read. My first 30 days when I was at the county jail, there wasn’t anything else to do other than read. Yes, it got better each step of the way; however, reading has been an integral part of my own therapy. I have detailed how reading writing, and exercising have not only allowed me to pass the time in a productive manner, they also keep me sane.

I haven’t read as many books as I have read in the past 18 months in my entire lifetime. When I use to travel for business, I was a very big reader as it helped to pass the time on airplanes. This was pre-IPod days! I went through many books in that 2-1/2 year period, but nothing compared to this period. I have read mostly fiction books sprinkled in with non-fiction works. I continue to read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life – Living The Wisdom Of The Tao” on a daily basis. Today, I read verse 53 “Living Honorably” and have 28 more verses to go. It is no coincidence I have 28 verses remaining because this exactly corresponds to the number of days I have remaining on my sentence. In four weeks from today, I will be in my last full day in prison, and if I had to guess, it will be much like today, which was filled with reading, writing, and exercising.

Yesterday, based on a recommendation from my roommate, I started “First Counsel” by Brad Meltzer. When I used to read much more back when I was traveling for business, I remember reading the first book, “The Tenth Justice” published by this same author. Over 10 years later, this author has now published five additional novels. I enjoyed “The Tenth Justice” and for some reason had not read any of his other novels until now. My roommate recently read “First Counsel”, and he did enjoy it, which is why he recommended it. I have read the first few chapters, and “First Counsel” is much like I remembered the writing in “The Tenth Justice.” Also, the story evolves around the White House, and the dialogue along with the storyline is very much like the television show “West Wing”, which was my favorite drama television show as I always found the writing very intelligent, crisp, and fascinating. This book by Brad Meltzer is almost identical, yet it is still original.

Sometimes, my memory of books is not as good as I forget certain storylines of the novels I have read. As I started “First Counsel”, I thought that I may have read it already, so I had to ask my roommate a few questions. As he answered, it became apparent to me that I had not read it. Just the other day, one of my neighbors was reciting a quote and asked me what book it was from. I had no idea even though I had only read the book a few weeks ago; however, to my credit as he started explaining the quote, I did remember the book and storyline. I do believe there is only so much room in my brain for information, and most of that room is taken up with useless information! I have been this way since birth so nothing has changed.

The alternatives to red meat seem to have come to an end in an aboveboard matter. Mondays have resumed with hamburgers and hot dogs night in the dining hall. In the past, I was able to receive the garden burger or Boca burger in lieu of the hamburgers and hot dogs while standing in the food service line. I don’t know the exact details of how this was stopped, but getting it was a bit different. The rules still do change daily, and sometimes, it is difficult to keep up. With four weeks remaining, none of this matters as I am very grateful to serve my time here. Last night, I was given baked fries instead of French fries by one of the kitchen workers. I did not ask for these yet this person knew my eating habits and gladly prepared them. Living a positive, purposeful life is incredible, and I continue to be blessed. Baked fries would not seem like a blessing, but it wasn’t the baked fries themselves, it was all in the presentation. This person did not have to do this nor was I expecting this, yet through goodness, I was presented with the baked fries. It seems good things are happening like this to me very frequently, and I am grateful.

Sleep came easy, but I couldn’t stay asleep very long. I had probably the worst up-and-down night I have had in a long time. I would like to trace this back to something I drank or ate, but I ate and drank the same things a week ago and didn’t have this problem, so I am at a loss. I must chock it up to the “small kidneys” I have been blessed with. Some days are better than others, but clearly, last night was not one of those nights. I still managed to get out of bed at the early hour to exercise. The rainstorm had moved through, and the cold temperatures returned. The temperature was below freezing as there was ice on the ground. This didn’t stop my roommate and me as were out in the weight area bright and early. We did get an excellent workout.

As is always the case, after working out and showering, I went to breakfast. This being Tuesday meant pancakes and oatmeal were the faire of the day. I still coat the pancakes with peanut butter, and I am thinking of adding peanut butter to the pancake batter when I prepare pancakes for my family. I’m not sure how my wife feels about this, but my children should enjoy it. At the very least, the peanut butter adds protein, and I do know my children, especially my daughter who shares my “peculiar” eating habits, need the protein. Yes, I am once again looking ahead to that day where I can cook beautiful breakfasts for my family like I used to on Sundays gone by. Sorry about the digression! The rest of the day was the usual as I cleaned the bathrooms, read, and wrote. I was considering running during the lunch hour but somehow talked myself out of it. I do know that I much prefer exercising in the morning to any other part of the day. As I plan on re-entering society, the early morning workout will once again be the start of my day. I just want to ensure this doesn’t conflict with any family obligations. Balance/moderation is what I aspire to, which is why I have cut back on running over the past few weeks. My eyes are more wide open than they have ever been, and this will continue one day at a time.

The Last 28th And So Forth

I finished reading “Beach Road” yesterday afternoon, and I was completely taken by surprise. Before I started reading this book, I read the book cover to get an idea of the storyline. I also read the snippets of reviews enclosed inside the book. I was intrigued by the story as the main character had a few things in common with Harlan Coben’s protagonist Myron Bolitar. In the review, there were many mentions of a “major” twist. I kept this thought in the back of my mind as I read. The story was moving along rather nicely, and sometimes, I can see the twist coming, but in this novel, I did not see it coming at all. The story had apparently reached its conclusion, but as I turned the page, the twist had transpired. I was impressed, and it turned an okay book into one of Mr. Patterson’s better novels. It seems the more I read these types of books (suspenseful thrillers) the more the endings aren’t so happy. This book was published in 2006, and if memory serves me correctly, many of these recently published books don’t seem to have the nice, tidy, happy endings. I have read quite a few of Mr. Patterson’s novels, and they all seem to be entertaining. His novels go by so quickly and do make for easy reading. This was no exception, and yes, I did enjoy it very much.

The weekend had come and gone very quickly as it usually does. Now, I have only four more weekends remaining before my release. My dear friend informed me yesterday at the GA meeting/visit that she would be coming again next Sunday for another visit. These are the dear friends who came to visit me when I was in Jamestown. They visited me the weekend after Christmas so I wouldn’t be alone. They have become incredible friends, and I continue to be blessed with their presence. This means that of the four remaining weekends, only one of those I don’t have a scheduled visit. I don’t know when my good friend who attempted to come last week will again visit. Conceivably, all four those weekends I could be receiving visits. I have been blessed with so many visits, especially since I arrived here over 8 months ago. Each of these visits has been very special to me, and I am eternally grateful. This journey has been a blessing.

The rest of yesterday was the usual. My roommate and I listened to “69 Minutes” last night as it has become our Sunday evening ritual. Prior to this, I did call my family and spoke to my wife, daughter, and son. This was a very good telephone call, and everyone seemed to be doing very well. My daughter was so cute as she told me about how she does “crunches” during her cheerleading practice. These are “Ab” exercises, which are exactly what my daughter told me. She wanted to know to get rid of the pain in her Abs the day after she performs them. I found this to be so precious because my soon-to-be-10-year-old daughter sounded so much older. Her Abs were sore, and she wanted to know how to rectify this. I informed her the more often she does the crunches the less there will be pain. The pain is good because because she is doing the exercise properly, and as she progresses, the pain will subside. As I explained this, she seemed to grasp it very well. My daughter continues to grow up, and I can’t wait to see her along with her brother. I did speak with my son, albeit briefly, as the 15-minute time limit was running out. He was very excited that his New York Giants were playing in the Super Bowl next week. He even knew that the game will be played on February 3rd.

It won’t be long now before I do get to see them, and it will be nice to be part of their daily lives. My wife has essentially been a single parent for the past 1-1/2 years. I look forward to joining her so we can once again be a two-parent family. Everything has and continues to work out for the very best. The situation 19 months ago was anything but ideal. I believe it was Erma Bombeck who said, “When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.” The past 19 months has been more lemonade than lemons. I can visualize that first hug when I finally see my children. It would be great to think that I will see them shortly after my release date, but quite frankly, this decision is out of my hands. I was speaking with another inmate yesterday about traveling to see my family while I am on parole. This inmate informed me it is very easy to travel. This peaked my interest, and he went further to say that all you have to do is just go, and as long as you don’t get into trouble, everything will be fine. I understood this to mean that I should not ask my parole officer for permission to travel because I won’t get into trouble. Well, I certainly do not intend on getting into trouble, but as part of my recovery and really new life, everything I do is done through honesty. If I cannot leave California without permission, I will not leave California. I would much rather have the permission, and if I can’t garner the permission, I will remain in California until I receive permission. The only question I have is on the timing of traveling so soon after my release. I would imagine obtaining permission is a process, and my better alternative would be to receive permission to travel at the end of April for my daughter’s communion. By the way, my daughter did also inform me she received the “sacrament” of confession in her catechism class where she confesses all her sins. I was raised Catholic and was baptized along with making the first communion and confirmation. I thought confession didn’t come until confirmation, but apparently, confession is happening for my daughter. Whatever the case, I do plan on big hugs and kisses the first time I see them. I was very fortunate to be able to spend three days with my wife and children back in July. I was able to see my children once in the past 18-plus months which will move to probably once in the past 20 months if not more. Saying I miss them dearly is an understatement. I love them dearly and can’t wait until I tuck them into their beds on a daily basis. I am moving closer to this as each day passes.

The rainy morning came quickly, but unlike yesterday, I go up, dressed, woke up my roommate, and went outside to exercise. In spite of the dreary weather, we had a very good workout session. The rest of the day was rainy and dreary, but this didn’t matter to me. What matters is today’s date, January 28th. This means this is the last 28th day of whatever month that I will be incarcerated. Since I am now officially under one month to go, the days after today will be the days of my incarceration. For example, tomorrow being the 29th is the last 29th of my incarceration and so forth. The 28th day of next month I will have been a free person for almost 24 hours. I will have a new routine which will include walking/running outside when I want, not when it is designated. It will also mean I can eat what I want when I want. The best part is I will be able to hold my wife, which means the world to me.

One Month From Today!

Here I am one month from today – the day of my RELEASE ~

When I started this journey I was looking at serving 24 months on the 4 year sentence. I started counting down those months and when I arrived here at fire camp I received a reduction in my term. Now I can say that I have one month remaining on my “lease.” When this is all said and done, I will have spent 19 ½ months on my sentence. I did realize these months would pass thanks to being in recovery and living one day at a time. What I didn’t realize was how fast these months would go by. I have days remaining instead of months and I will continue living one day at a time. Those days will reach February 27th soon enough.

Last night was a scrabble night and the evening went quickly as we played scrabble and drank hot chocolate. Then it was time to go to sleep. “I waved” from breakfast because my dear friends would be here for the GA meeting/visit. Like clockwork they arrived as they normally do. I was very happy to see them as they made the drive in the rain. Since it was raining we were in the dining hall for the meeting for the first time. I would guess this was the 15th GA meeting/visit and 14 of those meetings were held outside in the regular visiting area. The venue may have changed but the meeting was as always wonderful. There were four of us (including me) today and the number of people does not matter - what matters most is the friendship I have developed with these incredible people. We spent two hours experiencing the embodiment of the GA program. GA is all about experiencing, sharing, and hoping. This is exactly what we did and I do love the Program as well as the people within the Program. We talked, laughed, listened, ate and enjoyed every moment.

My dear friends brought my parole clothes. Since I am at the one month mark before my release date, I am able to receive the clothes that I will parole in on February 27th. My friends brought a pair of jeans and one of the nicer casual shirts I own along with my wallet. I tried the jeans on to ensure they fit and yes, they fit very well. It appears if anything I may have put on a few pounds as opposed to losing a few pounds. The jeans fit but they seemed more snug in the thigh area. The more I remember about these jeans – the more I believe they have always fit like this. If I had to guess I am probably the same as I was 18 ½ months ago before I started this journey. This really comes as no surprise to me because I have been the same weight for at least 17 years. It will be interesting to see when I finally step on a scale how much I actually weigh. Hopefully, I won’t get hung up on the weight issue and if I gained a few pounds so be it. The positive side is I have not lost my weight which I know was a concern to a few people. The process of receiving my parole clothes does make the prospect of my release that much more real. In the upcoming weeks, I will sign the official parole paperwork which will make it a little more real. I spoke with my mother yesterday who was able to find out my parole officer’s name and which office. She is located in the office I thought it would be. This is all happening and on this exact moment one month from today, I will be a free person!

Tasty Fish Yet Again

As it turns out, my good friend did attempt to visit me last weekend. I received a letter from him detailing his rather adventurous drive from Las Vegas. As he was driving from his house early Sunday morning, his time pressure gauge came on which he recently had an issue with and was presumably rectified. He took out his handy dandy electronic pump to fill up the tire and off he went. The gauge did reflect that the tire was properly inflated and all was well. About 90 minutes after this, the tire pressure gauge again came on. At this point, my friend became a bit exasperated and enlisted his GPS system to locate the nearest tire store which was open on Sunday morning. Long story short – all four of his tires were out of alignment. Also, the gauge had a malfunction which was rectified. By this time, it was early afternoon and he wouldn’t arrive here in time as visiting hours would have been over. It was a 400 mile odyssey and I felt sort of responsible for his misfortune. However, in the letter my friend did mention he would try again to comeback sometime in February. This is most certainly a good friend and one of those many blessings in my life.

With fried fish on the menu, my roommate once again came through with a tasty fish dinner. He actually poaches the fish and it is extremely juicy along with being delicious. He also made the parsnips and I told him he should be a chef. My roommate has always been an amateur chef and ha always enjoyed cooking. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, he is here with me and making the absolute best of a bad situation. I al so grateful he is my roommate and always keeps me well fed. He even prepared parsnips to go with the mushroom encrusted fish. I do believe he should prepare this meal for the entire camp because it is so much better than the fried version. I realize some of my fellow inmates are resistant to change and this type of meal my appear foreign but it is delicious. Once again it was an outstanding meal!

Eating and beginning a new book by James Patterson was pretty much the extent of my evening. To give an indication as to how full I was last night, I didn’t even have room for the evening requisite tea. The night falls quickly and I was off to sleep. I still haven’t gotten used to the flashlight appearing in the middle of the night. I remember someone telling me when I first arrived that I would get used to it. Well, it has now been 8 months and I still seem to wake up when the flashlight appears. I doubt I will suddenly get used to this in the next month which is just as well. I am a light sleeper and have always been on. I guess this will continue ad infinity.

I was more awake at 3:00 am than at 5:00 am when I actually got out of bed. My mind was once again working as I had some dreams. I dreamt I was working for several counseling services as an accountant. I didn’t recognize the people I was working with, but I do remember I wasn’t wearing any shoes or socks as I went about my business. I am certain Freud would have a field day with this, but I have no clue as to the meaning of walking around barefoot while wearing business attire. (Any guesses?) I got up and began my daily exercise routine with my roommate. I am not going to run in the Los Angeles Marathon on March 2nd for a variety of reasons, but I do hope to run the New York Marathon hopefully later this year.

I had my sights on the LA, NYC, and Boston marathons but I obviously have other priorities to attend to. If I am able to run in any of these – that would be great. I would love to have my family be there at each of the finish lines because this does mean a great deal to me. I have run in 5 marathons and my family has always been with me. I also ran in half-marathons and a few of them my family was there with me. It’s just not same when they are not there. I do believe we have many experiences we will share ahead of us and everything will continue to workout for the best.

Another Work Week Complete

The question my roommate and I posed is there is anything I need to do before my release next month. I have thought this over on several occasions and I cannot come up with anything. The book idea has been put on hold indefinitely and really there is not much else. I am truly counting down the days and with another work week complete, I have to clean the bathrooms 21 more times. The day before my release date, I go on what is termed “S” time. (I have no idea what the “S” stands for and my guess would be short) This means I am no longer on the payroll, and take that day to gather all my belongings. With that information I have four full work weeks remaining and one Monday giving me the 21 days of cleaning. If I glance back this equals the same amount of time from New Years Eve until this very day (today). It seems like yesterday, my roommate and I were ringing in the New Year by staying awake until midnight, but in that same time I will be “walking out the door” so to speak. Yes, time moves very quickly and with a little over one month remaining the excitement continues to build.

This excitement is building even though my days are pretty much identical to one another. I do my best to maintain a positive attitude and with only a month remaining – if I weren’t positive, I would need my head examined and I am particularly excited coming out with a job! I have a completely different mindset as I start my new job and I foresee a great deal of smiling on those workdays. I do feel as if a chain has been broken off me. I was swirling and swirling for so long which I ignored. Happily this has all changed for the better and that bright beautiful new beginning beckons. I don’t have much else as my day was the usual. I did have a headache yesterday which is very rare. I took some Ibuprofen and when I woke up the headache was gone.

The typical day continued as I took my time cleaning the bathrooms. As I finished I normally have to go into the office where my roommate spends his day and get the bars of soap for the bathroom sinks. We both started a joke today that whenever we see each other – the first person to call “plank”) which is an exercise for the core where the person supports themselves on their elbows and toes while squeezing the abdomen and lowerback) the other person has to drop down and do a 60 second plank. As I walked past my roommate in the office, I called “plank” and he complied by doing a plank on the sidewalk as well. I must say we have a very good time in this situation. We do laugh more than anything else and I would guess some of the other inmates think we are crazy. We may be crazy, but we have a good time!

After the plank incident, I went back to my room where I waited for the lunch hour. I needed a run and a run is what I did during the lunch hour. The large rain/snow storm never did materialize, but other parts of California are snowed in. The forecast calls for another storm this weekend but it does appear the temperatures are increasing so it shouldn’t be a snow event. The GA meeting/visit reconvenes on Sunday and we have not had this inside the dining hall to date because the weather has always cooperated. Maybe we are due for an indoor meeting, who knows?

Peanuts In The Shower?

The hum of the days going by is hypnotic. Here I sit yet again to jot down my thoughts. 24 hours have passed since the last time I wrote. Quite frankly, in those 24 hours, not a great deal exciting has happened in my life, which is okay by me! I have read two newspapers; USA Today and a local paper, in this time period. Things seem to happen every news cycle, and if they didn’t, I guess the newspaper wouldn’t be very interesting. Would I quantify the newspapers as exciting? No, not really, but they were still informational. This would be my goal for this blog; to make it more informational than anything else. My daily life is anything but interesting, and other than the fact that I am an inmate at a California prison camp, interesting starts and stops there.

Was my dinner interesting? No, as it was the usual rice and beans. The main entrée was sausage and peppers. Since it was pork sausage, an alternative of roasted chicken was given to the non-pork eaters. The camp does cater to non-pork eaters which, I believe, number 12 inmates. It is interesting how the non-pork eaters are catered to, but no other person within the vegetarian or non-red-meat eating categories are catered to. I believe the non-pork eating has a basis in certain religions, which is why an alternative is given. On those nights when pork is served, I happily give the roasted chicken to my roommate. So much for being interesting and informative! With dinner over, the mail call was announced, and I received one piece which was a letter from my father. Earlier on in this journey, I was a bit apprehensive when I received an envelope with my father’s return address; however, now I enjoy reading my father’s letters. It was very good, and my dad has a very good life where is biggest concern is his golf swing. My father is a good golfer, but he has been tweaking his swing for over 30 years. I doubt he will ever stop tweaking the swing because this is what he does. He is enjoying life, and I love reading about his golf game. I haven’t seen my father in quite some time, and it appears (as long as I receive approval) I will see him at my daughter’s communion at the end of April. This will not only serve as my daughter receiving a sacrament but a family reunion of sorts for me. Both of my sisters are planning on attending along with my mother. It should be a wonderful occasion, and I certainly look forward to it.

The rest of the evening was the usual as I talked along with read until it was time to go to sleep. The rains started during the evening, and as I went outside, I noticed a little freezing rain coming down. Snow never materialized, but the forecast calls for more rain and snow in the higher elevations. There seems to be some controversy as to what elevation the camp sits. I heard people say 1700 feet above sea level, and I heard others cite s800 feet above sea level. The forecast calls for snow at above 2000 feet, so I shall see. The surrounding mountains are dusted with snow, and it is very pretty. Yes, this is southern California, but it is still wintertime, and even though the song says, “It Never Rains in Southern California,” it certainly does. It even snows!

The workout this morning was very good for me, and the day of rest did me good. My roommate may have slightly injured his shoulder, and for the first time one of us “tapped out” (which means stopped) before all of the exercises were complete. It was the right thing to do, and as my roommate went inside, I continued on. At one point during the workout, I was completely alone in the weight area. This is a rarity, and with the rain coming down, it was a very pleasant setting. I finished up and went inside to shower. Then came breakfast which was uneventful, and then it was on to clean the bathrooms. As I was cleaning, I found a shelled peanut in the showers. I not only found one but another. I thought this to be strange because it meant someone was eating peanuts in the shower! I’m not sure how this is possible, but it was evident as the peanut shells were on the ground in the shower, and the skins of the peanuts were on the faucet for the showers. Strange things do happen, and I had to laugh as I cleaned up the peanuts in the shower. Either someone was eating peanuts in the shower or someone was battling an elephant! I will go with the former! Is this informative, interesting, both, or neither??

Enjoy The Present

I’m not sure if there will be another time where I can do what I am currently doing. I do my very best to enjoy the present, and why not? My days are essentially the same, and what is not to like about that? Well, the simple fact I am separated from my wife and children is a large factor, and that I am a convict is another thing not to like. I do choose to focus on the positive, and last night, my roommate prepared another delicious dinner of fish in mushrooms. Also, parsnips were prepared, and they were mouth watering. As I reread those last two sentences, I can’t believe I actually wrote them. Here I sit in prison (okay, it is a fire camp thank God!), and I am eating better than a majority of the free population. I am so grateful for this experience, and as I piece things together, all those pieces fit very nicely. I remember having trepidation before I was sentenced as I face the unknown. As I sat in the county jail shortly before my sentence, I took a deep breath and said, “I will get through this a better person.”

With less than five weeks remaining on my sentence, I am getting through this, and hopefully, I have become a better person. I cannot pass objective judgment on myself, so I will leave that up to someone else. I can say it was great to be myself with my mother and dear friends this past weekend. I was wondering when I could finally be myself, and a little of this showed over the weekend. I am certainly myself with my roommate, but no matter how I slice it, we are still in prison, which lends itself to being guarded. I didn’t need to be guarded over the weekend, and it felt great. My mother even commented that I hadn’t changed. It was an off-handed comment, but I took this as a compliment because it meant I was getting back to being my true self. Slowly but surely, everything is coming all together. Last night was very nice, and we were not subjected to the roast beef (also known as roast “beast”) served in the dining hall.

The night was filled with the delicious dinner followed by conversation and some reading. I also threw in some listening to music as I borrowed the Pink Floyd CD from my friend. My roommate and I decided to finally take a morning off from our weightlifting routine. As I mentioned, I had gone nine days in a row without a day off, and my roommate had gone 17 days in a row. I was awake at the usual time but fell back to sleep for the extra 90 minutes. Sleeping later was good because my body needed it. The early mornings do provide lots of movement in the dorm, and my light sleeping habits prohibit me from sleeping through it. I ignored most of the commotion, and my body received the rest it required.

On Wednesdays, I turn my sheets into the laundry for washing. This is another one of my little time markers. I now have only four more Wednesdays where I need to turn in my sheets to the laundry. The day is approaching, and on the fifth Wednesday from this very day, I will be a free man. Someone mentioned that next Friday is February 1st and the month in which I get to go home. Home is certainly relative as I will be going to my dear friends’ house where it will be a temporary home for me. It won’t be a home with my wife and children but certainly better than my current situation. It is sort of strange because my current situation is very peaceful with hardly any demands. The demands consist of cleaning the bathrooms and arriving for the counts on time. These aren’t exactly earth-shattering demands. The peace of my life will increase precipitously upon my release, but hopefully, I can maintain the inner peace I have garnered over the past 18-plus months.

Today was a perfect example of this slow pace. I leisurely got out of bed, dressed, read a little, and went to breakfast. I didn’t shower because I would shower after I cleaned the bathrooms. After breakfast, it was time to clean the bathrooms, which I did. I get lost in thought as I clean the bathrooms, and before I knew it, both bathrooms were cleaned. I find myself thinking about inane things such as how the camp operates. Maybe sometime in the future, I will detail this but until then, I can say Jerry Seinfeld said it correctly, “bizarre world.” As I completed the bathrooms, I showered and had my obligatory peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I took the entire afternoon to finish reading “Just One Look” by Harlan Coben. This was a more recent novel published in 2005 and another very good story. I do enjoy how Mr. Coben interlaces main characters in his other novels within this novel as very minor characters. His writing style is so matter of fact, and the twists are unforeseeable. The novel did lost lose some of its steam toward the end, and it wasn’t a happy ending at all; however, all in all it was a very good novel.

So there you have it – a very peaceful day at fire camp. The early days of trepidation have passed, and now, it is all positive. I do look ahead to 34 days from now as it will be a whole new, bright, beautiful world to me. My roommate and I were talking the other day about what it will be like that first day of being released. My roommate likened it to an animal that was being returned to the wild after being held in captivity. At first, the animal is apprehensive as the cage opens but slowly gets the sense that they are not in captivity anymore and darts into the wild. I’m not so sure about darting into the wild, but I can see the apprehension. I can also see enjoying the “wild” for all that it’s worth. I am being given a second chance, and thankfully, this second chance will be with recovery. Everything in my life is truly better now that I embrace recovery.

Oh, the Days!

The rainbow of yesterday afternoon is firmly etched into my mind. This was a bright, vivid rainbow which was so close. I could have almost reached out and touched it. I don’t remember the scientific explanation for rainbows, but I can say it was, indeed, exquisite. As my roommate and me bounded up and down the hill, we took a few minutes gazing at the vivacious rainbow. A few other inmates who had seen it as well stated it was one of the most magnificent rainbows they had ever seen. I remember seeing several rainbows when I visited Hawaii but none this close and this big. Yes, nature does provide extraordinary sights.

I was tire last night and settled into bed much earlier than usual. I did have two cups of some lovely vanilla chai tea prior to falling asleep. I guess the caffeine content was nonexistent since the more I drank the more tired I became. It appears this tea had more of a calming effect than anything else. Once again, my roommate came through for dinner. Each holiday, a special dinner is prepared, and yesterday being Martin Luther King’s birthday, we were served barbecued chicken, hot link sausage, collard greens, black-eyed peas, macaroni and cheese, salad, ice cream, pecan pie, and soda. I only ate the black-eyed peas and salad, but I did have some pasta waiting for me back in my room thanks to my roommate. I had enough pasta for two meals, so I only ate half.

The evening was the usual with reading and talking. The early part of the week my roommate is able to get the local newspaper, so I spent most of the evening reading the paper. It appears the primaries/caucuses are heating u, and everything points to Tsunami Tuesday, February 5th, where there are something like 24 primaries that day. I am interested to see those results, but I have a sneaking suspicion there won’t be a clear-cut winner for either the Democrats or Republicans. It may come down to those states that didn’t move up their primaries.

Sleep came easy and so did dreaming. I know I had dreams, but I couldn’t remember any of them. This happens to me from time to time. It does appear as I get closer to my release date (5 weeks away!), the more dreams I have. My subconscious is back to working full throttle, but this is all positive and a far cry from before I started the odyssey. The dreams made the night’s sleep go quickly, and it was time to get up for the daily workout. My roommate and I are on a streak as today was the ninth day in a row working out for me, while my roommate has now worked out 16 straight days. We are due for a day off as my triceps and biceps are a bit tender from yesterday’s workout. Today, I didn’t have to use these body parts as we did legs. Once again the temperatures were warmer than recent days, and with this workout, we heated up very quickly. The workout was excellent, and it was on to officially start my work week.

Everything the rest of the day was the usual, and oh, these days are moving along nicely. As I mentioned, I now have only five weeks remaining, and the day count is 35 days and 1 wakeup.

It was funny over the past weekend as I mentioned how many days I have remaining to my mother and dear friends. I said 37 days and 1 wakeup. My mother replied that this is how she used to count down the days to the end of the school year. My mom is a retired school teacher, and the last of school usually ended at 10:00 a.m., so it wasn’t considered a full day. This is the same for me because officially I can leave at 8:00 a.m. on February 27th, so I don’t count that final day. My wife is planning on picking me up, and when she arrived for the two family visits, she was an hour late each time. I joked with her when I last saw her in December about being late on my release date. Quite frankly, I don’t want to spend an extra minute here, which is why I am hoping she arrives early.

I took all of the morning to clean the bathrooms as they need a full service from the three-day weekend. The camp installed a hand sanitizer about a month ago due to the potential staph problem. Now, these dispensers are empty, so I took it upon myself to ask if I could refill them. Nothing is as it seems in this situation. Yes, I am responsible to fill them, but I must wait until the first of next month. In a very different situation, I would question this logic but not here. I am finished making sense of an illogical situation. I just nodded and said, “Okay.” I think I have stopped being angered at situations such as these. I almost expect the completely unexpected. I don’t understand, but I am not in a position to question why. I’m not sure if there is anyone who questions why because these things happen often. This does make me long for a “normal” situation, but then again, what is “normal” to me may not be “normal” to anyone else!

The lunch hour came, and I decided to resume running and run I did for the entire lunch hour. The lunch hour flew by, and my afternoon was filled with writing. I wrote four more letters this afternoon, and I think I am current. Oh, the days are moving along very nicely, and now I am one day closer to being released. These days will add up, and that wonderful day will be here soon.

Rainy Holiday

I didn’t need dinner last night because I was so full from the visit. After the Giants game, I returned to my room for the Sunday night ritual. However, 60 Minutes was preempted by a CBS News Special on Global Warming. I listened to this along with my roommate. The show was very fascinating and I am not sure how people can refute global warming. I realize it may not appear to be an exact science, but humans have been (?mucking?) up this planet for a number of years especially in the last 100 years. I believe the evidence is overwhelming – yet there are people who have their doubts. I don’t know what it will take to overcome the oil “addiction” in this country, but this does appear to be a problem. I have never been a “green” person, I have done my part to recycle but little else. I do intend to be more judicious when it comes to the environment because it all goes to living simply. It is the excess that got me into trouble and it appears an excess is getting the world into trouble. There are so many lessons I continue to learn and even global warming has entered this equation.

It was a very rainy and dreary day on this Holiday and I didn’t run as part of my exercise. After breakfast I cleaned the bathrooms and decided to call my dear friends who visited this weekend. I wanted to see if they made it back okay and they did. Everyone had a late night so I only spoke with my dear friend which was great! Again I thanked him for an outstanding weekend and I am glad they made it home safe and sound since there was some type of “electronic” tire problem on the way to the camp.

The rest of my day consisted of writing, writing, and more writing. I was a bit behind having to write 8 letters today, but this is a blessing in everyway. I responded to each of these remarkable people and just like that my day was over. I did take time out to hike the hill with my roommate as the rain and dreariness cleared. As we hiked we noticed one of the most beautiful rainbows I have seen. The rainbow emanated from only one mile away and stretched to the mountains 15 miles to the East. It was a stunning sight and we watched it form and then disappear. Here I am in prison experiencing a beautiful natural wonder. Nature has amazing powers and I am in awe. The rainbow did disappear, but it was a sight to behold. I continue to be grateful for this experience and that rainbow didn’t need a pot of gold for me to enjoy every minute of it. I am blessed and blessings are everywhere!

Mom's Return Visit (Part Two)

Today was almost a mirror image of yesterday. After spending most of last night talking with my roommate about the wonderful visit with my mother and friends, I went off to sleep with a smile on my face. I slept all the way through until it was time for my workout in the very cold air. We had a very good workout session and once again it was time to get ready for the second part of my mom’s return visit. Talk about identical days as my mother and friends arrived at the same time they arrived on Saturday. The temperature was decidedly lower than the day before so a fire was needed in the fire pit. Prior to starting the fire, I was once again greeted by warm hugs all around.

The day was fantastic as we spoke about their evening with two other wonderful friends of mine. It truly is amazing how everything continues to workout for the very best as my mom and friends had dinner with two other friends. These dear friends have been nothing short of incredible with their support over these past three years. All these people who have given me such unbelievable support were all having dinner together. Even though I was not there, I could feel the love all around. I am so happy they all got together and had a wonderful evening.

Today’s visit went so quickly and I seemed to stuff my face more so than the previous day. I ate the bagel my mom brought followed by a fuji apple, flaxseed tortilla chips, trail mix and other assorted goodies. The special surprise came in the form of homemade pasta primavera made by my dear friend and transported all the way from Vegas. I was so fortunate to have eaten the best eggplant parm and the best pasta primavera over the past two days. Again I ate the entire serving in the large tray. It was extremely delicious and it was also accompanied with ciabatta bread.

The conversation flowed freely once again and the day went so very quickly. We did have time to play a board game – “Scattegories”. This does require the players to use their brains and it appears my brain needs a little work. It took me awhile to get going but I did have fun. Where the time goes on these visits – I don’t know. Before I knew it, the visit was ending. The last hour was quite funny as some scheming was going on and in the big picture of life this little “scheme” certainly meant nothing. However, it did keep the four of us occupied. The “scheme” was successful and in the category of much to do about nothing, it was much to do about nothing!

I had mixed emotions as the visit ended because they had to depart. I was certainly sad to see them go but I am that much closer to my release date. In little over one month I will be released and although I won’t be with my mother or these dear friends it is so nice to know I can all them at anytime without recorded interruptions. I was thinking about this as the visit progressed over the weekend. Outside of my wife and my family these friends who came this weekend have been a part of my life for a significant period of time. In fact, I have known my wife for over 25 years and I have known these dear friends for over 30 years. They have been a large part of my life. They were instrumental when I went off to college at the University of southern California and were instrumental when I moved out to Las Vegas. These are wonderful friends who have been with me for a very long time and I love them very much. As for my mother – what more can I say that I haven’t said. She has been remarkable through all of this and I love her so very much. She has been there in so many ways for my family and myself. She has taught me a valuable lesson of unconditional love and I will never forget this lesson. These are some of the many blessings in my life and I am so appreciative. I am so grateful for this weekend and I am so ready to start my life anew. I will continue to take one day at a time.

My mom and friends walked to the car and I walked back to camp. We waved to one another and just like that the visit had come and gone. Life does go by quickly which is why I believe it is best to enjoy every moment. These moments over this weekend were very special and everything is moving along quite nicely. I walked back into camp with a smile on my face and a very full belly!

I headed into the television room so I could watch the Giants and Packers play. I couldn’t help to think of my son who was back in NJ watching the game with his uncles. I was pleasantly surprised to see the Giants play well and win the game. It was very entertaining and I found myself rooting for the Giants. I also found myself thinking about one of my dear friends who visited this weekend who is a big Giants fan. He was driving back to Vegas and I hoped he had a chance to see some of the game. As it turned out he was able to catch the end. The three hours I watched, I was transcended to another place thinking of my son. I do look forward to sharing football games and so much more with him in the coming years. The future is exceedingly bright – thanks to the fact I no longer have a financial interest in the outcome of these games which feels great. Enjoying as entertainment makes so much sense and I am finally there. Now the Giants are going to the Superbowl in two weeks to face the undefeated Patriots. It will be a tall order for the Giants to win, but win or lose they had a great season and their fans should be very proud!

It was a great weekend all the way through. The visit was magnificent and now I have only 5 weekends remaining. The time is coming where I will be back in the free world and I certainly cannot wait. I would like to thank my mom and dear friends for a wonderful weekend. Thank you so very much!!!

Mom's Return Visit (Part One)

I have eagerly been anticipating this day ever since my mother informed me four months ago that she would be coming back for a return visit. The early morning came very quickly and for the first time in a long time I remained in bed all night long. The early morning brought the regular exercise routine with my roommate. The temperature outside dipped below freezing, but this didn’t deter us and we had a very good workout routine.

As the workout session ended I had a few minutes to spare before I “waved off” for breakfast. I effectively used this time by shaving, taking an extra long shower and getting ready. I also wanted to greet my mother and dear friends on an empty stomach. I was ready for the visit as the visiting center opened. I figured they would arrive 30 minutes after the visiting center opened and this is when they arrived. I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker and happily headed toward the visiting area. I caught a glimpse of all three of them as I walked into the visiting area.

I was quickly greeted with warm hearty hugs all around. It was so good to see my mother and friends. A sense of warmth came over me as soon as I saw them. It was wonderful to be with them all day. The visit was incredible and so reminiscent of the days we would all spend together when I was younger. My mother looked great (as usual) and our dear friends are awesome. The conversation flowed freely from serious topics to very light hearted topics. The day flew by and I still can’t believe 5 ½ hours could go so quickly. My roommate even came down to the visiting area to meet my mother and friends. I am so glad he had the opportunity to meet everyone because he has become a good friend.

I received a surprise from another dear friend who made eggplant parmiagiana for me. I haven’t had this eggplant in quite awhile and it was as delicious (I think it was even more delicious!) as I have remembered it to be. This was a wonderful surprise and I ate the entire tray by myself. I continue to be surrounded by so many thoughtful, caring, and loving people. This made the very special day even more special and I am so grateful for all the love in my life.

The sun was shining brilliantly and the temperature was in the 60’s. It was a bright beautiful day weather wise and it was a bright and beautiful day with the company I shared. It had been four months since I last saw my mom and my dear friends and we picked up right where we left off. It is so wonderful when we get together because so often one of us will start a story – yet that story remains unfinished as we skip to another story/topic. I believe this is what makes the time go quickly because there is so much conversation and never a dull moment. My mother is so cute as she commented that I looked very well and very healthy. (I guess prison has been good to me!) She went on to state I should think about staying longer. This was funny and although I do feel great and have peace of mind I am very much looking forward to taking this with me into the “real world.” As much as I am going to miss my roommate and would like to stay with him until his release on September 1st, I have a life to rebuild my life and it is going to be amazing. I must admit I probably have the best color in my face that I have ever had in my life. I do get outside everyday – combined with the exercise and my somewhat positive eating habits, gives my face a “healthy look.” It certainly does appear that this Odyssey which I once thought could be so negative, has turned out extraordinarily positive in so many different ways.

The visit was ending and as we cleaned up the table, I wasn’t sad because I would see them again tomorrow. My mother mentioned something about another surprise tomorrow and I certainly can’t wait to se them again. I would like to touch on something my dear friend said to me. We were discussing a number of topics (as usual) and somehow we got on to discussing me. My friend told me I need to stop blaming myself. I really thought I have moved past this but the more we spoke about this, the more I realized I have to put it behind me. Yes, I mad a huge “boo-boo” (as my dear friend stated) but I am doing everything in my power to recover. I will stop blaming myself and if I start up again, I hope someone will let me know or as we say in prison “check” me. I have so much to be grateful for such as an incredible day like today. Everything does happen for a reason and I love the way my life is headed. I couldn’t say this a few years ago and yes my life is wonderful. I love everyone in my life so very much!

Constantly Looking Over my Shoulder

Something has gotten into me as I speak with my wife on the telephone. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have an idea where it stems from. Last night was another example of being just not very nice while speaking with her. I had called her so she could relay a message to my good friend who intended to visit me this weekend. I just wanted to make him aware that my mother and friends would be visiting this weekend as well. Of course, my good friend could come, but if he didn’t want to I would understand. After we got this out of the way, my wife told me about her day which wasn’t so good. It seemed everything she did was wrong and I could feel the exacerbation in her voice. She then proceeded to tell me she went to look at a place where she was thinking about having our daughter’s communion party. When my wife first mentioned this - my radar went up because earlier in the week my wife was lamenting the fact that she needed money quickly because the bills were piling up and with no permanent job her financial situation was quite precarious. Then she told me the cost of the party and I made a very direct matter of fact comment that didn’t sit too well. There is no need to get into the particulars, but I will say I was shocked to hear my wife considering this expensive event. Of course, in a previous life not too long away, cost was not necessarily spoken about. However, now this has become a large factor because of lack of funds.

As I was making my comments, I was sort of looking over my own shoulder. I often wonder if my previous actions give everyone a free pass. Let me try to explain – what right do I have to question cost because it was me who caused all these problems. My wife has never said anything remotely close to this to me. This is just me constantly looking over my shoulder. I do my best to move past this and become a regular person, but sometimes I get myself caught up. My wife is struggling financially because of what I did. I know better to place blame on anyone especially myself. In the great words of that grand philosopher, “It is what it is.” Unfortunately, the reality for my wife and me is to mind our financial P’s and Q’s. It is difficult for me to say the things I said last night but this is the reality. We truly cannot afford a lavish or even a semi-lavish communion party. However, I sensed a large portion of my wife who really wants this.

As “they” say – “There lies the rub” as we have two opposing views. Neither one of us became argumentative because we are two passive people. My wife is more so than me but believe me I am very passive and in years gone by my “tactic” has been to be passive aggressive. I could sense my wife withdrawing and getting tense. As of late she has been very tense and more negative than I have ever heard in the past. She hasn’t been negative towards me in any way, shape, or form – just to life in general. There have been very uncharacteristic comments as my wife is usually positive. Obviously, the financial burden is bothering her tremendously and no one can blame her for that. Hopefully, when I am released some of these burdens will alleviate and my wife can get back to her old self. I have said this many times before and I will keep saying it, “Everything will work out for the very best as it does everyday.”

We received the “60 seconds remaining on your call” warning and we began to wrap things up. I offered up my usual “I love you” and “I miss you” as did my wife, but there was a certain tension in her voice. The call ended and as I walked back to my room, I replayed the entire conversation. I did tell my roommate about the conversation and we talked for awhile. He is a good listener, but I think I was in search of a more neutral party. I wasn’t looking for validation of my comments or the situation. I guess I was looking for how to move forward from here. I do trust and believe all things happen for a reason but hearing the unevenness of my wife’s voice makes me feel very bad. The financial realities ahead of us are challenging and I am more than ready for the challenge. I look forward to the free world and cherishing every moment of everyday. Life no matter what – does move forward and I believe in my Higher Power to lead the way.

Of course I was wide awake at 3:00 am replaying the entire conversation with y wife in my head. I wasn’t second guessing myself as I was searching for solutions. It appears my wife’s mindset and mine are different when it comes to material items. I no longer care about the nice house, nice car or the corner office. I care about being with my wife and children. I also no longer need to keep up with the Joneses with the lavish parties and latest electronic equipment. Yes, this is very easy for me to say sitting at fire camp insulated and isolated from the “real world.” My intention is to carry these thoughts as I enter the material world. Please don’t misunderstand – I am not about to disavow all worldly pleasures and join a monastery. I am trying to strike a balance. I realize many fo the material items are just temporary and only bring temporary happiness. Is my daughter going to need lifelong therapy if she doesn’t have a large communion party? By the same token will my daughter require lifelong therapy if she does have the large communion party? I can’t answer either question, I can only do what is best for my family and in my opinion, spending more money than needs to be spent is not the wisest decision. I’m not about to force or coerce my wife into something she doesn’t want to do. I do want this to be a joint decision or did I lose all my decision making ability when my current odyssey started almost 3 years ago? Again, I hope this is not the case because then it becomes unfair to everyone.

I remained awake until it was time to go and exercise outside. I just couldn’t turn off my brain. I did compose a letter to my wife and my words are much better than when I speak to her. I find writing things down (especially like these) is much easier than the spoken word. I think it might be beneficial to both of us if I communicated via letters for the next 39 days! This way I won’t have to write apology letters. Of course, I am being facetious and do love the sound of my wife’s voice and of course the voices of my children.

I suspect there are more of these bumps ahead and we will get through this together. At least come the end of next month, we will be able to communicate much more often than the previous 19 ½ months. Everything seems to be a work in progress, but I prefer to call it beauty in training because our life together will be more beautiful than it has ever been.

Double Booked?

During mail call yesterday evening, I received three letters. One letter was from my good friend who visited me back in October. It was a very brief letter informing me he would be coming out to visit me this coming weekend. This was a surprise, and with my mother coming this weekend as well, it appears I am double booked. The slight ironic twist to this is my good friend will be driving in from Las Vegas as will my mother and our dear friends. I realize my good friend cannot make a weekend of it as my mother is doing so carpooling does not appear to be an option; however, that would have worked out well because my good friend lives within a few miles of my dear friends’ house. When my good friend visited in October, he mentioned that he would like to come back most likely at the beginning of this year. This was very nice, and I am looking forward to his return visit. This weekend does pose a challenge because my mother and our friends will be here. They all met each other at my son’s christening some seven years ago.
I don’t want to tell my friend not to come because this sounds disingenuous. I am grateful he is come back, but any other weekend than this weekend would work out much better. I don’t have my friend’s telephone number, so I need to call my wife to tell her to call my good friend about the double booking. I’m fairly certain all the parties won’t mind if they all arrived on the same day, but it would be great to have another visit to look forward to in the coming weeks. I do have six weekends remaining, and four of these do have visits scheduled, especially with the very dear friends from GA with the meeting/visits. I do know it will all work out for the best.
I did try to call my wife at lunchtime but was unable to reach her. I will try again this evening. I did call the reporter at lunchtime, and we once again went through the 15 minutes very quickly. The questions turned to9 my current activities here at fire camp and about the overall system I am in. She asked me about what types of rehabilitation there are for inmates, and I gave the sad answer of “there aren’t any.” The system is name the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations. The last part is in name only because I haven’t witnessed any state sponsored rehabilitation. I didn’t feel comfortable elaborating while spoke on the telephone because I must be careful with the words I choose in this forum, which is why I won’t go any further on the subject.
The day was the usual for me, and I received information on my denial of the transfer of parole. I was assisted in finding even further information about this topic. As it turns out, the California Penal Code does specifically state, “No parolee may be released on parole to reside in any other receiving state if the parolee is subject to an unsatisfied order of restitution to a victim or a restitution fine within the sending state.” This is what I wanted to see, and there it was in black and white. There are, however, possible remedies to this as were listed in the following two paragraphs. The possible remedies are, “A parolee may be granted an exception to the prohibition in the previous statement if the parolee posts a bond for the amount of the restitution order; or, a parolee may petition the court for a nearing to determine whether, in the interests of justice, the prohibition in subdivision (a) should be waived.” What this all means, I am not sure; however, if I wanted to pursue the opportunity in Las Vegas, I could apply one of these two possible remedies. Will I pursue this? I am not sure. I think the best course of action would be to complete my parole term in California and see where life goes from there. I have a very good job opportunity upon my release, and I will be earning valuable experience in the recovery field. This also helps with the opportunity in Las Vegas as it is in the same industry. I need to allow everything to fall in place, and this is what I intend to do. Now at the very least, I do know that if I wanted to pursue the opportunity in Las Vegas, I can, but I trust and believe everything will continue to work out for the very best.

Pregnancy Analogy

When I arrived here at camp, I received a new release date which meant at that time I had a little over nine months remaining to serve on my sentence. I used the pregnancy analogy back then as I entered the first trimester. Now, here I am half way through the third and final trimester. I remember when my wife was pregnant with our two children. Thankfully, she had very uneventful pregnancies; however, I do recall her being ready to deliver half way through her final trimester. No, this is not like giving birth to a child, but it is like a rebirth for me. I am anxious for that “due” date of February 27th to arrive. As today passes, I have only five more remaining Wednesdays that I will be incarcerated. Of course, I am counting down the days, and I find that it is more palatable thinking I have five more Wednesdays to serve than 41 days and a wakeup to serve.
I don’t know what exactly it is, but I have felt a little off all day. It could have been the fact that my roommate wanted to talk at 10:00 last night, which is well past our respective bedtimes. He was a bundle of energy, and we did talk. His bundle of energy faded quite rapidly, and as I was speaking, I could hear his breath getting heavier. Soon thereafter, he was fast asleep. It took me several minutes to finally fall asleep, and my sleep wasn’t the best.
I was planning on running this afternoon but just wasn’t feeling up to it. I did work out this morning with my roommate, and it was a much better effort than yesterday. The cleaning of the bathrooms went well, and I even scrubbed the walls. This became a futile attempt to get the lime and alkaline off because once it dried it looked the same. The bathroom walls are painted in two colors; tan and brown. The tan is on the top portion while the brown is on the bottom portion. Unfortunately, the dark color of the brown shows all the dirt, and the only way to clean this would be to repaint the entire bathroom. I don’t know if this will happen in the next five Wednesdays or later. Whatever the case, I will do what is asked of me, which is why I was scrubbing the walls.
I attempted to call the reporter at lunchtime, but she was not available. I will try back on Friday as we seem to have some unfinished business. It certainly would be better to sit down with the reporter so we can cover everything at once, but I guess this works for now. The remainder of the lunch hour I talked with my roommate. I have been blessed with my roommate because he is very funny, and as I have mentioned before, we do more laughing than most. I did notice today that my “butcher” job of a haircut on him appeared to be growing back. I guess what they say is correct. The difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is, indeed, two weeks!!

Change Of Heart And Mind

I was all set to craft a response to the letter/package I received from the IRS. I was a bit put-off by the things that were allegedly said by me, and I wanted to rectify those items. I started the letter, and halfway through, I tore it up. I thought more about it as I was writing, and I had a change of heart and mind. I thought to myself what it was I really wanted to accomplish, and I came to the conclusion I wanted to be right in a very strange way. I have to face that the money I stole is taxable. Whether I knew about this or not during the period of my stealing is irrelevant. The fact is I owe the IRS a significant sum of money. I did at one time convince myself that the stealing was more of a loan as I would eventually pay it all back; however, I got in too deep, and I could never recoup my losses. I have paid back about one-third of what I stole, and according to my case, I still have the balance to pay back while I serve parole. Over these past 18 months, the California Department of Corrections has garnished 55% of any monies toward me. This hasn’t accounted too much, but I am making payments. I don’t recall a specific tax code stating that money paid back toward restitution is deductible; however, I have spoken to others with this same dilemma I face, and they had been given credit for the money paid back. Once again, this is something I cannot and will not dwell on. The answers to these questions and so many more will be answered in due time.
I believe I came to my senses when I ripped up the letter I was writing. Instead, I wrote a nice thank-you letter to the IRS agent in charge of my case and signed the form I was required to sign. The process is now officially set in motion, and at some point, there will be a satisfactory resolution.
Yesterday evening, I spoke with a very good friend who I hadn’t spoken to in a couple of months. We had a very nice conversation, and as it turns out, he has a good friend who works in the real estate rental field. We spoke about my need for housing come this summer, and he will introduce me to his friend for some possibilities. As we spoke, I couldn’t help but think everything is truly coming together. I was filled in more on the real estate bust in southern California, and my re-entry into society couldn’t happen at a better time. Things are working out for the very best. Another topic of our conversation was my previous employer, which my friend and me have in common. I have been removed from there for almost three years (yes, that has passed quickly), and only one of the executives I worked with still remains. It sounded like a few of my former associates met with an unceremonious end. I have no right to wish any ill will on anyone, and I do find all of this unfortunate. The culture at my previous employer was a little distorted, and I know I took too many liberties. I surmise I was not the only one taking liberties as I cam to find out about all of this at the meeting with the consultant working with my previous employer. Everything does happen for a reason, and I am so happy to be recovering as life continues to get better.
The usual ensued over the course of today. I do find myself slightly less motivated as I clean the bathrooms each day. I still put in almost three hours and do my very best, but it is getting old. I have six weeks remaining, which means in 6 weeks from this very day, I will be spending my last day in prison. This feels so very good; however, until I am driving down the road with my wife, it won’t be a reality.
This weekend my mom and two dear friends will be here for a visit, and I am counting down the days. The weather forecast is for perfect, clear, sunny skies with temperatures in the upper 60’s, so we should be in the regular visiting area outside. Four months ago in September, they were all here, and we sat outside. I remember we needed shade for the hot sun, and my guess is we will enjoy the warmth of the sun this weekend. It is going to be a wonderful weekend, and I can’t wait to see them. After the visit this weekend, there will be only five more weekends remaining, and in those five weeks, there are three scheduled GA meetings/visits. The time is going quickly, and I will be driving down that road with my wife very soon. I am anxious to restart my life, and oh what a beautiful life it is!

Oh, Those Letters From The IRS

I think from this point forward I will skip the usual routine stuff and just jump all around. Yesterday at the awesome GA meeting/visit, a dear friend mentioned they had seen a “worry box” in a magazine which was very nice. My dear friend immediately thought of my wife because my wife is filled with worries. I need to back track for a moment and mention the fact that my daughter has her very own “worry box” thanks to a great idea by my sister. The principle is to store all here worries in the box and once a week or once a month purge the box, thus ridding her of worries. I called my wife again today at lunchtime because I wanted to follow up from our telephone call on Saturday. We were able to talk about certain issues for the first time since the family visit at the beginning of last month. My wife does worry and is very concerned about our financial future. I have never subscribed to the worrying theory because it causes unnecessary grief. Now in recovery, I trust and believe everything is going to continue to work out for the very best. I may not express myself very well on the telephone calls, but I do my best. I realize my wife is concerned with our financial future, but worrying about it really does no good.
I possibly believe we are headed in the right direction since I will have a job as a soon as I am released. The housing situation will work itself out, and home ownership will take some time. I have very large amounts of money I owe in restitution and taxes. Speaking of taxes, I received another package from the Internal Revenue Service. Oh, those letters from the IRS! This was just a follow-up from the last package, and the meter in the fact that the interest charges are still accumulating. The numbers contained in this package are very daunting. Conceivably, the amount of money I owe to the IRS could exceed the amount of money I stole. This truly doesn’t make sense; however, as long as the bill remains unpaid, the interest keeps accumulating. There seems to be more detail in this package than the previous one. The very nice IRS agent, or at least I thought was very nice, included a summary of things I said to her last year during our meeting. I don’t recall her taking any notes during that meeting, and there were some things that I allegedly said that surprised me. I received the distinct impressions that the humongous tax liability was just another item on the list for the IRS agent. In fact, the IRS agent told me now to worry about this tax liability and that the worst part of this ordeal (prison) was almost over. Reading this new package left me a bit surprised with the verbiage.
Do I need to worry about all of this? I guess the answer is yes and no. Obviously, I cannot take the IRS lightly, but at the same token, there is nothing I can do right now. At some point in the future, I will sit down with the IRS and negotiate a settlement/payment plan. If I were to fixate on all the wreckage I caused, I would become paralyzed with fear. I am not about to do this since I know I am moving in the right direction. As for my wife, she sees the same wreckage I caused creating so many uncertainties. I don’t know what the future holds financially, but as long as I stay committed to recovery, everything will continue on a positive path.
I was very happy to talk with my wife today, and she sounded so much better than when we spoke on Saturday. She told me she is tired of being a single parent, and I can understand where she is coming from. I dumped so much on her, and she has done her absolute best over the past 1-1/2 years. The time of her being the single parent is coming to an and, and she intimated that her decision whether or not to join me when the children finish school in June seems to be made. She has not rendered her decision as of yet, but I believe whatever the decision, it will be best for everyone involved. I’m glad my wife shared some of her feelings with me, and once again, everything is working out for the very best.
I stayed on the telephone after the phone call with my wife to call the reporter again. The tone of the interview was very good, and the reporter wanted to know more about my story. I gave her the “Cliff Notes” version the last time we spoke, and today, I went more in depth. An interesting question was posed and one I had difficulty answering. The reporter asked me why there are so many now who seem to trust me implicitly. I really didn’t have the answer as I don’t really know other than I am doing the right things, and right things are happening. We also went through other facets such as what I was feeling at the time of my out-of-control compulsive gambling and stealing. I seemed to have some sense of clarity as I look back and think how insane I was. This is the best explanation because it was pure insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I kept doing was digging a bigger hole. Thankfully, I have the shovel down. In fact, I have buried the shovel, and little by little, the hole is filling up. Quite frankly, I don’t know how interesting my story is to the general population, and truly, it is what it is. I made some horrible mistakes and have paid the price; however, through recovery, my life continues to get better every single day. This part of the journey will end soon and another will commence. I look forward to the next part because, for the first time in my life, I will be at peace with myself.
The lunch hour went very quickly, and that is when the telephones are turned off. The sun was shining brilliantly, and with the temperatures in the 70’s, I thought it would be a good time for a moderate run. For some reason, I have been reluctant to run on workdays in the afternoon other than the lunch period. I didn’t have any issues, and it was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon.

Those Darn Telephone Calls

Once a week I call my wife since the cost is so prohibitive to call more. Yesterday afternoon, I was able to speak with my wife and daughter. My son was unavailable because he was over at a friend’s house. Sometimes, speaking on these telephones is often difficult for a variety of reasons. I am grateful to be able to speak with my wife on a weekly basis, but sometimes, like yesterday, the conversations don’t seem to go well. Yes, the conversation yesterday didn’t go so well, and it was one of those darn (actually damn!) telephone calls. I have 6-1/2 weeks remaining on my sentence and my wife is feeling serious financial stress. It is amazing how, as much as my wife tries to keep this stress from our children, it still permeates to them. Both my wife and daughter were in tears as we talked yesterday. The tears came from different reasons, but nonetheless, it was very difficult hearing their emotions. Unfortunately, I am in no position to do anything to help alleviate the financial stress I created. I can only listen and hope to cheer them up. I was successful turning my daughter’s tears into laughter, but I have a long way to go to alleviate my wife’s financial pressures. I believe I did my best to listed and lend an ear as my wife spoke. I firmly believe everything will continue to work out for the best; however, right not it certainly doesn’t seem that way for my wife. She has gone the past 1-1/2 years doing her very best. I just need her to hang in there because at the end of next month I can finally start helping.
It was a difficult time on the telephone, and my wife is so selfless she said, “I hope you aren’t upset by what I said.” My wife has tried to protect me from the mess I made because she thought I had enough to deal with by going to prison. I still want to know everything that is going on, both positive and negative. I am in a powerless situation to help financially, but I hope to help emotionally. This has been very difficult on my wife, and I want to make everything better. The fact of the matter is I can’t make all those problems I caused go away. I am doing my best through recovery, and come February 27th, I can start putting the pieces back together. Up until that time, I am here to listen and to be sympathetic.
I was fortunate with the telephone call because the bail bonds company helped facilitate those phone calls. I needed to call on three separate occasions and was able to do so with no cost to my wife. I needed this extra time to spend with my daughter and make her feel better. Her birthday is coming up next month, and she is planning on going into New York City to the American Girl store. Fortunately, my daughter understands the value of money and is not looking for anything more when she visits the store to have lunch. I believe she will have a wonderful time, and later on in February, her cheerleading troupe will be cheering at a New Jersey Nets game. She wanted to know if I would be able to watch the game on television so I could see her cheer. I gave her no guarantees, but I did say I would try. I can tell she really wants me back as she said her friend is looking forward to meeting me. I am so ready to be back in my daughter’s life and my family’s lives. This is going to happen in due time.
I also explained to my wife about having me possibly fly back with her to New Jersey after my release. I did tell her that, if she didn’t have the funds for the airline ticket, she should remain in New Jersey. My wife certainly wants to be the one to pick me up on my release date, and she will do everything within her power to be here. It would be wonderful to be with her on my release date, and the situation will work out. If for some reason she cannot make it, I have already had several dear friends offer to come and pick me up. I am so blesses, and the love in my life is immeasurable.
The telephone calls weren’t as good as I would have hoped, but this is the way it goes. There will be many more ups and downs as I progress to the new beginning; however, the ups will exceed the downs since I will be back in the free world. The financial situation will take care of itself, and we will work through it together. I just want the emotional tone of my family to focus on the positive, and this will happen for the very best. As I said goodbye to my wife, she sounded a bit better from when we started the telephone call. I certainly can’t wit for the day I can hold (hug) my wife and tell her everything will be okay because it certainly will. We’ve made it this far, and as long as I stay committed to recovery, our lives will continue to get better and better.
Today, I took the early morning exercises off and relaxed. My body needed the day off, and I obliged by remaining in bed the extra hour. I did not got to breakfast because I was planning for the GA meeting/visit. The wonderful group of dear friends arrived very promptly as visiting opened. This is very usual for them, and I walked down to the visiting center with a smile on my face. I arrived just as my dear friends were setting up. They bring so much food in the form of goodies that there wasn’t much spare room on the picnic table. These meetings/visits are wonderful, and today was incredible. The sharing was magnificent, and I will miss these meetings/visits when our sessions run out with my release. The key concept behind Gamblers Anonymous is people helping people recover from their gambling addiction.
Experience, strength, and hope are also key concepts in the GA program, and these meetings/visits are filled with so much of this. It was a beautiful morning weather wise, and it was made even more beautiful with the meeting/visit. I enjoyed, as I always do, every second of the morning. The group was made up of five of us, and everything was fantastic. I love these dear friends so much, and I am so happy to be a member of GA. There are only three more meetings/visits remaining, and I look forward to each one. This is a huge part of my recovery, and this certainly has given my recovery a boost.
The incredible meeting/visit came to an end, and I found myself watching the football games most of the day. The games were very surprising and also very good. I am so glad to be able to watch the games as a fan. I enjoyed the games, and my son’s New York Giants even pulled of the upset over the Dallas Cowboys. I thought about my son the entire time watching in amazement as the Giants played very well. They live to play next week against the Green Bay Packers and face a tough foe. Win or lose, I will enjoy watching that game and talking to my son about his favorite team. Once again, it was a great weekend, and I have only six more remaining, Yay!!!

Another Beautiful Saturday

I utilized the lunch hour yesterday to call the reporter who is doing the story on Indian casinos in California and pathological gambling. I made sure I had 30 minutes to devote to the phone call, and we used it all up. Due to the time constraints, I told the reporter my story in about three minutes. I guess it has come to this for me as I can recite my story in many versions, and yesterday was the “Cliff Notes” version. Really, my story can be summed up quite succinctly; I ignored my compulsive gambling addiction and ended up in prison. The epilogue is I have found recovery and a wonderful life. We talked about many other aspects of the Indian casinos in California and pathological gambling. The telephone system is not conducive to these discussions, but for the next month and one-half, this is what I must deal with. I still don’t know when this story will be published or whether or not the reporter will come here for a visit or wait until my release date in February. It was great to discuss both sides of the gambling equation, and I still need to follow up on Monday.
I do believe the key is awareness, and there is no stopping the gambling juggernaut, especially with the tribal casinos in California. No matter what, people are going to gamble, and of those people, a certain percentage will become problem gamblers. Gambling is addicting, and there will be those who will lose everything. Hopefully, the message can be sent that help is available, and as casinos grow in California, so will the money for treatment and awareness. Billions of dollars are being made by these tribes, and only a tiny fraction is currently spent on problem gambling awareness and treatment. As more people gamble, there will inevitably more problem gamblers, so the casinos/tribes need to do the right thing. The problem won’t go away if it is ignored. In fact, it will only get worse. I believe the casino industry will follow the alcohol industry with the awareness campaigns. I have heard the problem gambler public service announcements on the radio, which is a step in the right direction. My intention is to get involved with problem gambling awareness when I am released, and I believe this is a good start in the interview with the reporter.
The rest of the afternoon yesterday was the usual as I wrote the afternoon away. I wrote two letters which was unusual for a Friday because I usually leave these for the weekend; however, with the NFL playoffs on television today and tomorrow, I wanted to make some time to watch a few of the games. I am interested in the New England Patriots/Jacksonville Jaguars’ game for the simple fact that if the Patriots win and advance to the Super Bowl, they will make history as the first team to win 19 games and lose none. I have always admired this team ever since Tom Brady and Bill Bellichek took over some seven years ago. The other game I am interested in is my son’s New York Giants against the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow. It should be an interesting game and a good way to pass the time this weekend.
The evening came last night which was filled with talking and reading. Of course, sleep came early, and it was once again time to get out of bed to work out. Today would be a big exercise day. There are days when running can be laborious, but today was NOT one of those days. I immediately got into a good rhythm and maintained this all through the run. The day was beautiful, and it was another beautiful Saturday in southern California. The temperature will probably reach 70 degrees later today, and while I was running, I could feel warm breezes. It was a very good run, and I am amazed as to how fast the morning disappeared. Sure I exercised for over four hours this morning, but I enjoyed every minute.
I think my running is now expected here at camp since I didn’t receive any strange looks as I ran around the track 90 times. I did get some encouraging calls and mostly smiles from the guys who understand my “addiction” to running. It would have been great to run around the beautiful canyons and vistas around here, but I am sort of encouraged (more like obligated/mandated) to stay on the makeshift track. My goal is to run around the track 100 times, which I will do in two weeks. After that run, I will have only one month remaining, and the runs will be so much shorter. I still can’t properly gauge whether or not I am in marathon shape because the distance calculations are a bit suspect. I was getting a little tired as I ran the 90th lap, but I know I can get 10 more. It really doesn’t matter if I am in marathon shape or not because all I care about is maintaining my fitness level. Quite frankly, I don’t need to run another marathon to prove anything to myself. In the past, I looked at these marathons I ran as goals, and now I just want to enjoy every stride. I am in good shape, and the best possible case scenario is having my family with me when I run a marathon or any other type of race. I am not an elite athlete. I am a 42-year-old, soon-to-be ex-felon who just wants to maintain peace of mind. Thankfully, running enhances my peace of mind, and this morning was fantastic.

Addictions Become Impossible

I still have fears when dealing with this “System.” Yesterday, I met with the counselor because I had a few questions regarding my parole. Before those questions were addressed, I was given a letter that was sent to the county of my crime requesting additional information. At first, I became uneasy when I saw the letter of inquiry; however, upon further review, I realized this was just a formality and should not have any bearing on my parole date. Apparently, my file is missing certain information, and this letter was sent as a follow-up. I have become a bit “gun shy” in this system because nothing seems to be easy I take noting for granted, which is why I met with the counselor yesterday. I asked the counselor a series of questions, and unfortunately, I didn’t receive any definitive responses. I was wondering where my parole plans were since I have never seen them. According to the counselor, my parole plans should have been sent to the parole office to which I was required to report. The counselor did not know which parole office I have been assigned and is supposed to notify me in a few days with the information. I need this information in advance so that, if possible, I can make travel arrangements to see my children when I am released. The counselor informed me I could do this on the day I am released when I meet with my parole officer. I am trying to be proactive and have this all planned prior to my release. Unfortunately, this system does not lend itself to being proactive as it is very reactive. I once again have to trust and believe everything will continue to work out for the best.
I have lost track as to how many times I have come away from the counselor a bit disappointed. My expectations have remained high, but I came away having not met those expectations. I know my mother would ask me whether I am sure I am definitely getting released on February 27th or could there be a delay. I firmly believe I am getting out on February 27th because all the paperwork I received yesterday stated my release date as February 27th. This paperwork included the 60-day audit, which is an audit of my sentence ensuring my released date is correct. California has some convoluted sentence, and even those employed to decipher these terms have difficulty. I have heard and seen a fellow inmate receive 11 extra months one day prior to his expected release date. This same inmate is now facing an additional 14 months as he is set to be released in 10 days. Thankfully, my sentence is not convoluted, and there aren’t any additional charges pending. I received a four-year sentence which I am required to serve 50%; however, due to the fact I have been sent to a fire camp, my sentence has been reduced by another 33%. I have gone over those figures closely which is how I came up with the four-day savings a few months ago. In all likelihood, I will walk out of here on February 27th.
The session with the counselor did not go as I had planned, but this was not unexpected. After the session, I played ping pong with my roommate who continues to pummel me every time we play. Prior to dinner, I read a little more of the “Runner’s World” magazine. Dinner was uneventful. Maybe because I have 1-1/2 months remaining, the rice and beans “feast” has run its course. Yes, I have been able to sustain myself on primarily rice and beans for the last 18 months, but I am ready for some variety. I may not be able to afford much variety when I am released, so I better get used to the rice and beans! The usual evening festivities commenced as I received three pieces of mail; a letter from my mother, father, and sponsor. Thankfully, my father sent stamps. Strangely, he didn’t send the usual compliment of 20 and instead sent 9. As fate would have it, I owe 9 stamps so now I am down to zero. Fortunately, my roommate and my friend don’t need the stamps right now, and I can wait until I receive mine. The letters were great with the exception of mother’s because it was more of a note than a letter. I need to call her this weekend to shore up the details for her visit next week. God love my mother because she sure is a uniquely special person.
Sleep came quickly, and it was once again time to start the cycle all over again. In our quest for perfect physiques (not really!), my roommate and I are reluctant to take days off from exercising so this morning we were back at it. At some point, we will need to take a day off to rest our physiques, but it wasn’t today. We had a good session, and my roommate may have pulled or pinched a muscle in his back which may mean that day off could becoming quickly. The workout was over, and it was on to the rest of my day.
Prior to going to breakfast, I read a passage from Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life.” I have calculated the number of days I have remaining, which equals the number of passages remaining in the book. Today was verse 35, “Living Beyond Worldly Pleasures.” In Dr. Dyer Dyer’s comments, “Addiction becomes impossible because you no longer try to get worldly pursuits to satisfy you.” How true and how powerful this one statement is. Most all pleasures are temporary so when you are in need of more. Addictions can and will arise. This is a horrible thought process and one I knew first hand for a very long time. I was trapped by me own beliefs which put me in a box. Thankfully, that box was broken open almost three years ago, and I am beginning to understand my true self. Life is not about obtaining those worldly, inconsequential, temporary pleasures. It is not about placing that next bet. My life has a higher meaning, and all worldly pleasures exist in a permanent state through nature. I am sitting here watching nature and having pleasure observing. It is wonderful to just slow down and enjoy life as it is meant to be. All of these things have been right in front of my big nose all along, but I chose to ignore them. Yes, it is much easier in the insulated isolated place to slow down, but I am taking these lessons with me. My life does continue to improve, and as long as I have peace of mind within recovery, my life will continue on this path. Addictions can become impossible when life is lived through nature’s eyes, not mine. Everything is based in goodness, and I am seeing this goodness all the time.